Trained Goucho wrote:
My wife and I are more into hiking than cycling, but that can come with its own hazards as well. Do you like to read words as much as I enjoy typing them? I sure hope so. Here is a story for you.
We just got back from a weekend trip to the Ozarks. It seemed like a good idea when I planned it as I have a lot of nostalgic memories of Arkansas State Parks from my childhood. Do you have nostalgic memories from your childhood?
The Ozarks really are pretty and not too far of a drive. The wife had this past Friday off so I picked a place I remembered as nice and boasts of the second highest peak in all of the state. I'm talking about Queen Wilhelmina State Park, just outside of Mena, AR, and right off the ol' Talimena Scenic Drive roadway. That's 3 menas if you're counting. At any rate, the crux of the story takes place in the parking lot of the Queen Wilhelmina lodge parking lot right after a delightful hike on the trail known as Lover's Leap.
As an aside, none of this area is very nice anymore like I remembered. I'm talking about Mena, AR(was it ever) and the Talimena Scenic Rd and even the state park itself. Mostly general neglect.
The roads on the scenic drive and overlook areas are in decline and unkempt. Very few vacationer types around and almost no hikers. Maybe state parks and camping aren't a thing anymore. Wholesome families vacationing together certainly seem passe. Lots of local meth types, especially in Mena. I mean whoa. We had to go to the local WalMarks for some groceries and everybody here looked like somebody Mark Laita would be too scared to have on Soft White Underbelly. It was jarring. My memories are from a bygone era, I'm afraid. At each overlook on the scenic drive, and the views are still lovely for the record, my wife would say "Get a good look, we aren't coming back."
So anyhoo, the car is in the parking lot of the lodge at Queen Wilhelmina. The wife is in the passenger seat. It was a great little hike if you were wondering, but it was hot and humid and my wife, city gal that she is, gets scared of everything in the woods. Her constant flight mechanism and panic management can be a tad exhausting sometimes. This was one of those times. The "Bear Country" warning signs posted everywhere did nothing to help.
I digress. She's still in the car. It took me longer to get in the car bc (I shortened 'because' to be more economical in my posting) there were some people parked too close on my driver's side rocking out in their car whilst shirtless. It was annoying and a little unnerving. The song sucked too. I wish I could remember it--it was some rando classic rock song that has been in constant rotation on whatever 92.5 station they have.
I just wanted to get in the car quick and exit and avoid interacting with the characters parked next to us. Unfortunately, I couldn't open the door as wide as I wanted and took an odd angle getting in and kinda fell sideways. My right thigh hit the seat hard with the brunt of my weight. I corrected by quickly rolling back towards the left. There was an immediate flush of an aerosol sound during this shifting and I knew I was in trouble.
You see, I was wearing some hiking shorts that weren't lacking in utility pockets. Some might call them cargo shorts, but fashionistas have shamed the wearing of cargo shorts so much I hesitate to admit wearing them. (Even in Arkansas and even on this forum)
As luck would not have it, I had a canister of Guard Dog bear mace in that pocket. You never know what you might run into and I like to be prepared. Having it also helps to assuage the fears of my wife's imaginations. Well, you can guess the rest.
When I landed on my thigh and heard that hiss, I expelled an orange plume of toxic oleorsin capicum (looked at the label for that one) in the car that nearly choked the life out of both of us. It hit me first in an instant. A wheezing fit came upon me and before the wife could say "are you ok" it was upon her as well. Her eyes bugged out in terror as she consumed the pepper spray. Overwhelmed by the intensity of the whooping cough fury, her flight mechanism was triggered yet again as she bolted (That part was pretty funny) Boy, you should've seen her exit the car and run. She didn't even shut the door behind her.
What wasn't as funny was the dispensing of mace also saturated said cargo shorts which didn't realize in the moment. Let me tell you, this caused a most unpleasant reaction to the right side of my sinewy thighs and taut buttock region. It didn't register until after we had regained our wits and exited the parking lot. Burning pain quickly intensified and gripped me. A lesser man may have lost their composure. I am a lesser man. I pulled over at the first overlook and stripped down. Threw my shorts in the trash and drove back in my skivvies. Got an earful from the wife too. Good times.
Wow. This forum still delivers.