Turning 50 results in increased doctor visits, increased types of doctors you have to see, daily meds, and exams you might not have had to deal with yet. One such exam is the colonoscopy. It's not nearly as fun as it sounds.

I was supposed to have it done last year but COVID (yay). This year I didn't have a good excuse for my doc when he asked about it. He just turned 50 himself and also has to get one. He referred me to the same doc he's going to. Can't get a better recommendation than that I guess.

The first attempt at scheduling the consultation got cancelled due to work. The second got cancelled due to the winter storm. The third unfortunately didn't get cancelled and I actually had to go. After a brief mini-exam the doc explained to me precisely how he was going to violate me, and stressed the importance of doing the "prep" exactly as instructed. He explained that you don't get cleaned out just because it would be pretty nasty for the doc and his staff if you didn't, but rather so he can actually see the inner walls of your intestine. If everything is covered in poop (his word, not mine, so it's an actual medical term) he won't be able to see polyps, ulcers, etc. Makes sense.

After he finished up his presentation he took off and a nurse came into the room to schedule an appointment to do the deed. I originally had it scheduled for today, but after she started explaining what the "prep" actually involved I knew that there was no way I could go through that at work, so we scheduled it for this past Monday.

The fun started Saturday night when I had to drink a 10 oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate after supper. There was cherry and lemon flavor at CVS. I got cherry. It was pretty tart and tough to drink. I was concerned that night that I was going to wake up in a poo puddle but the next morning the sheets were clean and I still felt "normal". I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen to make a cup of coffee, one of the few things I could actually drink that day. Black, no cream or sugar, which is fine because I drink it black anyway. As I was waiting for the Keurig to do its thing I became super gassy and started blasting my wake up song, shaking the walls of the still quiet house. The great thing about stone tile and hardwood floors is that sound easily travels from one end of the house to the other. It's a small form of entertainment that I enjoy on regular occasions.

Well, as the saying goes, "never trust a fart after 40". I was having so much fun blowing the butt trumpet that I very nearly didn't recognize the warning signs of why I was full of so much pressurized air in the first place. Thomas the Train found the tunnel exit and almost made a premature escape. I clenched and saved my shorts just in time but it became very clear very quickly that the preamble I played while waiting for my coffee was over and it was time to make way for the constitution. I chicken-bobbed my head at the coffee maker to get it to finish quicker, then it was off to the races to the other side of the house to get to my bathroom. The whole time I was quietly muttering "oh boy... oh boy... ohhhh boy..." because I started to have doubts that I was actually going to make it. Sammy the Snake was plenty lubed up and my 52 year old sphincter was losing the fight. Luckily, I was in my house shorts so I didn't need to fumble with buttons or zippers. When I was about 5 steps away from the toilet I started pulling everything down (one-handed since I was carrying my coffee) and basically jumped the last two steps. I am 100 percent positive that when Punxsutawney Phil made his grand entrance my ass was not even facing the toilet. I was able to summon my old b-boy moves and twist around quick enough to hit the bullseye after the mortar left the cannon. The splashes started before my cheeks even contacted the seat. I barely made it, but make it I did and had a jolly time giggling, gagging and flushing for the next 20 minutes. The wifey checked in on me once and was immediately pushed back by the parfum. She didn't come back after that. I sat and endured wave after wave of the tsunami squirts. I found that if things came to a stop for too long I could just lean forward or sit up straight and the flood gates would open back up. Bodies are weird.

When I finally finished I showered up and went on about my day. I didn't have to pay another visit to Mr T for the rest of the day, so I thought I had done a pretty good job of vacating the pipes. I was wrong.

At 3pm Sunday I took a couple of "mild" laxatives. At 6pm I drank my first bottle of the prescribed "Clenpiq", along with 5 cups of water over the next hour. About 50 minutes or so after I drank all that is when the hell began. I found out there was plenty of solids still left in me. Where they had been hiding I don't know but the Clenpiq found them. And the stench that I experienced earlier in the day could not hold a candle to what I was engulfed in. No amount of flushing could get rid of it. I found out why when I eventually finished and stood up. I looked back in the bowl and saw while the water was nice and clear from the flushing, the bowl itself was more brown than white. Looked like an early Jackson Pollock painting in there. Looked like the guy's head from Scanners in there. Looked like the rear window of Jules' and Vincent's car in there. It was pretty gross.

I got to do it all again at 10pm. Another bottle of Clenpiq and this time just 3 cups of water. By this time the fun had abated and I was getting annoyed from sitting on the toilet so much. By midnight it seemed that everything had finally settled down and I went to sleep.

The next morning I had more business in the library but this time everything took it's sweet time getting out. Cramp, squirt, cramp, squirt, cramp, squirt. Any other day and I probably wouldn't have spent half as much time copping a squat, but since in a couple of hours someone was going to go spelunking in Goatseville I wanted to tidy up the place.

I got to the clinic at 11:30am. After I finished filling out the paperwork they called me back and a young gal asked me if I had followed the prep instructions "Yes. Yes I did." Then she asked if I needed to go to the restroom one more time "Yes. Yes I do." Unbelievably, a full 14 hours after I drank that second bottle I was still had the pizzazz, though not very much. I did what I could and thought "I'm sure if there's anything left up there it's not anything the doc hasn't seen before".

It gets boring after that. I stripped down to my socks (weird, the nurse made it a point that I understand I needed to keep my socks on and nothing else) put on a gown and laid down on a gurney. They wheeled me down a short hall to a small room where the deed was to be done. They gave me a general anesthesia, not local, so I was out the whole time. They used MJ's Mother Milk, propofal. I don't remember falling asleep. I was out for about an hour and 15 minutes. When I woke I wasn't terribly groggy but I had a little trouble walking. The doc let me know he found two tiny polyps and removed them. They're going to do a biopsy to make sure there's nothing nefarious going on but he's fairly confident they'll be benign. He congratulated me on following the "prep" and said everything was nice a clean so he had no trouble seeing everything he wanted. By the way, if you didn't know, they check out the entire length of the large intestine (about 5 feet). I don't know how folks do that while just under a local. I was perfectly fine being out the whole time.

After 15-20 minutes they escorted me out the door where the wifey was waiting to pick me up. Off we went to the house where I took another nap for an hour or so. That evening I finally broke my fast and ate some leftover chicken wings and skirt steak. I probably should have just had pudding or something because I started cramping pretty hard and was quite uncomfortable for the rest of the night. My belly sounded like a herd of cats were fighting in there. My whole abdomen became tender; partly from the food, partly from the CO2 the doc pumped into me and partly from the sore muscles from straining so much over the last day. I was fine as in the recliner as long as I didn't move, but whenever I turned to lay on my side I felt like Rocky was using my abdomen to warm up for Apollo. The next day I was still tender but not nearly as crampy. Wednesday I was still a little sore but I think it was just the muscles recovering from the straining. I felt good enough to drive my kid's car with the stick shift to south Fort Worth and get my first COVID shot. Today I don't feel any aftereffects, but my arm is a little sore from the shot.

Oddly, señor sphincter was never sore at all.

I have to do that this year.

I gotta do it this year too. In fact they already called me after my GP sent in the referral, so they're ready to get all up in me. I haven't called back yet. I should soon. Everyone has said the prep is the worst part. It sounds awful.

If it means anything, I was laughing pretty hard at your story. My girlfriend asked what I was laughing at, so I read it to her and she laughed too.

isn't it fun to be able to laugh a little bit?

Craig, you nailed it. I turned 50 at the end of January and what a rough patch I have fallen into. Between ER visits, GI doc visits, GP consultations, urgent care, and the rheumatologist for good measure I am doctored the F out. Did you know sometimes people with rheumatologists call them "rheumys" (like "roomies")? Not me, though. I sound the whole thing out. Anyhoo, this medical revolving door has become so frequent of late I've taken to printing out my MyChart notes and keeping them in manilla folders to pass off to whatever doctor I'm seeing, like so much Dalton. "Saves time," I tell em. It's not over either, and I'm right behind you with a colonoscopy scheduled for this Friday.

All this really started for me sometime in December when I noticed my relationship with the Captain had started becoming increasingly contentious for some reason. What had I done to upset him so? Maybe it was because I had started drinking coffee again, I wondered, or delving back into red and processed meats. At any rate, I started having all the warning signs of an ulcerative colitis flare up, which pretty much turns everyday into a prep day. I'm talking mostly diarrhea, but not the garden variety kind like a Chipotle outing may or may not cause. You know how it is whenever you vomit and the volume and force of the upheaval rises with such volcanic fury that it completely overpowers your throat's ability to regulate anything at all and you can't believe that much stuff was wrenched from your mouth all at once and it throws your senses into total submission? It's like that except the diarrhea is like the vomit, the rectum is like your throat, and your mouth is your butthole so i guess another way to put it is that it is like anally birthing all your insides everytime you poop. Things had become painful too, like passing pine cones, the green kinds, at first excruciatingly slow and then ending in rapid fire and finally, liquid. The pleasure, joy, and satisfaction had vacated my bms. Things really came to a head the week of the ice storm. Things got bloody, sometimes alarmingly so. One time I had to stand to grab some Prep H wipes, which I find to be really soothing, and when I did blood droplets rained from my butthole and splattered on the floor. I could feel blood running down my hamstrings too. It was jarring. I saw it and let out a groan like when Kevin spilled his chili at the start of that Office episode. Went to the ER the next morning. My wife is a health care exec and pulled some strings to get me in. I felt shamed, like we got gun shot victims in rooms 2 & 3, drug overdose in room 4, air lifted car accident in room 5, and some old dude with the shits. My doctor looked and acted like a bored Andy Samberg. I gave him a heckuva rancid fecal sample, a bottle of fresh urine, and stained sheets. All it showed was bowel disease which i was already aware of. They gave me some IV's and set me up with a GI visit.

I went on a strict and bland diet thereafter of white rice, different bone broths, white potatoes, and oatmeal and started getting my sea legs back slowly. About a week after that I noticed my left testicle was in pain and I felt slight nausea in addition to the rectal pain. It really sucked and was relentless. Urine frequency was up and flow was down. I was bummed and figured I must have a prostate infection so I went to an urgent care. I explained everything in great detail with no regard for decorum. I was hoping they would offer to have a look under the hood so to speak and check out the anal area as the rectal pain had me wondering if I maybe had hemorrhoids. He didn't offer, just took some urine, told me there was no infection and prescribed some Bactrim anyway. I didn't take it as antibiotics tear up the gut. My nuts started feeling better I thought but the rectal thing was intensifying.

The next week, which was like two weeks ago, we were in Dallas house hunting because we are moving back. On an unrelated note, this is a terrible time to be a buyer. Anypoo, the rectal pain had reached such heights that I had trouble walking, sitting, or doing anything that moved in such a way that the butt cheeks would seperate. I started feeling around the butt crack area when I felt this goiter-like thing in the crack near the butthole. I did not sleep much. My wife had some new hire paperwork to do the next morning and she dropped me off at another ER on her way. They looked under the hood and filled me in that I had a perianal abscess. Worst experience of my life was incoming. The amount of fish hooked finger penetration and anal probing left me feeling pretty darn violated. They hit on some nerves or something up in there that was like a cattle prod. All that butt pleasure stuff must be an acquired tasted. Count me out. I might have been fisted too. It felt like it. A surgeon had to come in next and drain that thing. They gave me around five shots directly in the abscess but it sure didn't deaden things as much as I would have preferred. It drove me to accidental profanities more than once. Truly terrible, but the relief was immediate when it was over. You should have seen the gauze mat I was on when they were finished. Yuck a doodle do. The human body can really do gross stuff. I was pretty dazed and loopy when they were done and they tried to tell me how I need to have my wife dig around in my ass and dress the wound with gauze for the next three days, three times a day after my sitz baths. That's a tough ask of anyone let alone for someone you wish to solicit sex from on occasion. I never told her. I just rammed gauze pads all up and down my crack for the rest of the week. It felt like wearing a thong. Another thing they told me was that the CT scan they did on my abdominal area showed something wrong with my liver, possibly cancer so I'm scheduled for an MRI in April. Good news, I had a surgical follow up a few days ago to inspect where the abscess was and they said everything looked good.

Today I went to the GI doctor. He scheduled the "emergency colonoscopy" for Friday and an MRI for the liver next week. For them to throw around the C word like they did you can't help but be a little nervous. I've been kind of bummed all day even though I don't really think I have cancer. He did give me a starter kit for people like me that either have Crohn's or UC that is not as intense seeing as how we don't need as much encouragement so there's that. Oh, I've also already met my deductible for the year. Can't wait to see the bill for the abscess visit.

prayers for you and I'm not joking like somey does

Ali Baba dunch when you get settled back in Dallas?

Starting to think this turning 50 thing isn't all it's cracked up to be.

dang, TG. I hope you feel better with your bottom and liver bottom.

“You ain’t lying.” - DMX

I got my colonoscopy scheduled for June 21. I then looked it up and that's the day before Father's Day. I can think of no more appropriate way to celebrate than shitting my brains out like a true patriarch.

You're having it on a Saturday? I would find a way to miss work.

Fuck. I meant the day after. I'll be shitting on Sunday, then taking Monday off to get ramrodded.

PSA if they gave you an Rx for ColonBlow then pick it up early. I waited until the last day and had to go to a couple of pharmacies until I found one that had it in stock.

Buy some jello and pudding cups for after the procedure. You'll be famished and want to hit the buffet, but trust me, eating a lot of hard to digest solid foods when your digestive tract is empty is not fun.

Make sure you weigh yourself before and after the purge!

So I had my colonoscopy this morning. I don't really have any cool stories to tell about it. The prep is definitely the worst part, but it wasn't even that bad. Yesterday, circa 5:30, I took a dozen horse pills with 16 oz of water. That's not as easy as it sounds. You gotta take them one at a time and that's not a lot of water to wash each one down. The fun started within the hour. My first trip cleared out just about all the big chunky doo-doo I had in me. I had taken a rather large natural dump earlier that morning and expelled a footlong peanut-eyed serpent at that time, so maybe there wasn't much left in me. My bowels are pretty awesome that way. Anyhoo, with each subsequent visit, I blew fewer dirt particles and more water each time. Water is really hard to control in your bunghole, btw. They should supply safety corks at times like these. For the remainder of the evening, I'd get a flash flood warning and head off to paint the bowl. I lost track of the number of trips I made, but I would estimate around 18. Just after midnight, I had to take another dozen pills. Then I went to bed, waking occasionally to blow like Old Faithful in the hallway half-bath. I woke up again around 5am and my PJ bottoms were wet. I had some bad butt leakage while snoozing. Mrs Tit was pissed because she just washed and changed the sheets yesterday. The procedure itself was uneventful. They found and removed a couple of polyps, but the doctor doesn't think they're anything to worry about. We'll do it again in 3-5 years.

I didn't experience the farting that gam did, which was disappointing. However, they did blow some air up my ass for some reason, so they said I might be gassy this afternoon, and man alive, am I ever! I can only guess that the air thing is like when they vacuum out your car after you get something fix on it. Just a courtesy thing, and it's appreciated.

Was yours a non invasive procedure? Is that why you had a pill prep? Were you robbed of the anesthesia? That would be a shame. Isn't anesthesia something else? Just so cool how quick and how far down that stuff takes you.

I had anesthesia and was out for the count. I don't remember a thing, but there's pics of my inner asshole and I assume they're real. Mine looks like a taffy tunnel. Do you like taffy? It always seemed like it's candy before they add the stuff that makes it palatable.

The pills are apparently a new thing, recently FDA approved and this is how it's gonna be from now on until they invent a device that can teleport the doo-doo outta you. Insurance didn't cover it for me (thanks Obama), but there was a coupon so it was only $40 out of pocket for the pills. Totally worth it. It also came with a cup.

Glad your doodoo is okay, Titfam.

Got the results from my looky-loo. Three polyps were removed during the procedure (this kinda thing is normal.) Two were benign and 1 was pre-cancerous. Because 1 was pre-cancerous, the doctor wants to see me again in 5 years. WTF? 5 years? Shouldn't we do this again next year or maybe in 2? A lot can happen in 5 years, dude. This shit killed the Black Panther ffs, and he had vibranium on his side. All I got is Metamucil. I'm fuckin' doomed.

Farah Fawcett too, no?

The Malignant Polyps would be a good name for a band.

If only beautiful people die of it, I guess I'm safe.

Don't die, buddy.

Don't listen to doctor dumbass. You can have one annually (and anally) if you want.

Dude. Just got back from my physical and my doctor said I can go ahead and do the colonguard thing. The ship you box, poop in it, and ship it back. If they find something I still have to do the colonoscopy. I bet they find something. My poop is inconsistent.

Now all I can think of is my Amazon orders are rolling around in the mail with poop boxes.

It was embarrassing dropping off my box of poop to the UPS store.

I have so many questions about these poop boxes.

How does your poop keep from drying out inside the box?

Do you have to declare it as poop at the UPS store?

Can you order an extra long box?

Would putting googly eyes on your poop to look like Mr Hankey contaminate the sample?

I wonder where his poop is. Cap, did you get a tracking number?

What happens if you can't conjure up a solid log to ship? It would be pretty embarrassing to FedEx a box of diarrhea.

Use plenty of shrink wrap.

I went to the doctor for my regular 6 month visit and she told me that they're recommending colonoscopies at 45 now. Since I'm more than a year past that, it's time to get signed up. She offered the shit in a box option, but I would rather have the squirts and go through a procedure I'll have no memory of than handle my own doo doo.

The colonoscopy checks your entire large intestine. You could have polyps or cysts or a long forgotten hamster that can only be detected by shoving a camera 5-6 feet into your ass.

I'm doing the real thing since there's still a chance I could have to to one anyone if shitting in a box detects anything.

Nope. I did not read this.

I'm just glad they have mostly stopped doing prostate exams. I much prefer the colonoscopy that I won't remember.

I did the deed today. While it's not something I will do again any earlier than recommended, it wasn't all that bad. From reading above, the prep varies by doctor since mine was a little different from everyone's. The worst part for me was the hunger. It's no secret that I like to eat and I was hangry pretty early. I was allowed a light breakfast yesterday and I opted for toast with butter around 9. It was liquids from there on out and the wife and kid were ready to send me to a hotel by around 1:00. Chicken broth for lunch and dinner and I mixed in some jello and Gatorade. I already drink a ton of water, so I did pretty good on that front.

I did a 5 oz round of Clenpiq at 6:00. Cranberry flavor my ass. I'm not sure I've tasted anything that bad. I chilled on the bed for awhile and the captain showed up about 45 minutes later. I started off with a good solid dump, probably the lingering effects of 2 pretty solid meals on Sunday. I was proud of myself and about to run out the clock when a firehouse torrent was unleashed. I had about 10 of those by around 11:00 and they progressively cleared up until I fell asleep. I made it until 3:30 or so without getting up and then I got back up at 5:00 to take the last Clenpiq with a ton of water. I managed to fall back asleep, a minor miracle to be sure because I'm usually up once I wake up, and woke myself up with the loudest fart I've ever heard. Loud enough to arouse the dog. That was the only time I had trouble making it to the bowl in time. A half a dozen or so more purges and I headed to the doctor.

They moved my time up twice from 1:30 to 11:00 and it still took a good hour and a half to roll me back. I sat for a long enough stretch at one point that the nurse that checked me in had time to leave for lunch and return. Once they started giving me the propofol, the nurse said "you might feel a sting or maybe not" and the next thing I remember is the nurse waking me up. I even slept through the doctor coming in with the report. 2 polyps that I could barely make out in the photos and 2 non-infected diverticula. And, just like Tit, I have a gorgeous taffy tunnel. I don't have to do it again for 5 to 10 years unless I have issues. The recovery nurse encouraged me to have a good meal and just avoid fried and spicy foods. I opted for steak and a potato with salad. I've been a little gassy and had to hit the bowl once, but I've felt decent other than just being tired as hell.

Get your pipes checked if you're of age, fellas.

Glad to hear your pipes are good shape, buddy. And I'm glad everyone is taking this seriously and getting checked out. If we keep it up, we're a shoo-in for Healthiest Bowels at the Forum Awards this year.

I'm just glad we're all taking intestinal health more seriously than ceepe did his sinus infection.

whoa