still sucks

Look, just because he hasn't put out any decent music in 50 years doesn't mean he sucks.

Wait...

Richard was lil before lil was cool.

Little Richard doesn't get enough credit for what he did. Other than his dumb shtick of declaring himself as the real king of rock and roll and wearing a crown with "KING" on it, he is awesome.

16. Billie Holiday - Lady in Satin

This is the last album Billie Holiday recorded. She was a mess at this point in her life and you hear it when you listen to this album. Though it was recorded with a large orchestra and it sounds all lush and stuff, this is still very much the blues. It's the blues because you hear it in her voice and you feel it when she sings to you. Her voice isn't technically powerful and she gets kinda creaky at times, but she can sell you these songs like no one else. She's a wreck and she's probably dying, but she's not hiding it from anyone. She did die about a year later, flat broke and all eaten up with liver and heart disease due to years of abuse. She's gone, but you're never gonna forget her.

Up next: Ramblin' Jack Elliot Takes the Floor

17. Ramblin' Jack Elliot Takes the Floor

Someone once gave me a Woody Guthrie album to listen to. It's good stuff, but boy howdy does it get old fast. This guy is obviously a Woody disciple--he just plays his guitar and sings--but he varies things enough to keep it interesting. Not everything's gotta be about politicians and the friggin' dust bowl. There's traditional folk tales, prison songs, some simple blues. It's cut from the same cloth, but it's short and varied enough to be a fun little listen. Plus at one point he holds one of those Raising Arizona yodel notes for about 16 bars, which was pretty impressive.

Up next: Sarah Vaughan - At Mister Kelly's

18. Sarah Vaughan - At Mister Kelly's

This chick is pretty cool. This album is entire show at some nightclub and she shows off not only a great set of pipes but also an engaging personality. It happens early in the second when it sounds like she knocks over a mic. Instead of quitting, the band keeps playing and she improvises some lines about her fuckup right along with the melody. Your buddy Tit couldn't help but quietly chuckle over it all. It was a nice save. The whole album is a cool, catchy bit of jazz vocals. It's just her and her trio of piano, bass, and drums and they all sound great. I really enjoyed listening to this album.

Up next: Ella Fitzgerald Sings the George and Ira Gershwin Songbook

19. Ella Fitzgerald Sings the George and Ira Gershwin Songbook

Ever listen to 3 hours of showtunes? I have. I should get to fuck a chorus girl after listening to this. I understand why this set is considered important. Ella Fitzgerald was one of our greatest singers, and the Gershwins were great songwriters. But for God's sake, how about a little scaling down? 55 songs? Really? 30 wasn't enough? 30 is a nice collection. At 55, songs start blending together until you can't tell where one ends and the next begins. Length is one thing, but most of the songs are standard big band plus vocals. Of the greater known tunes, I've heard better versions. The whole collection needed a lot more energy. And more variance. Mix it up a bit. It could've been more fun. This was not fun. I feel like I just watched My Fair Lady again. I need to listen to some Ween now.

Up next: The Genius of Ray Charles

20. The Genius of Ray Charles

Yep, Ray Charles was a genius. I don't have much more to add. Everyone knows Ray was great. If you don't like Ray you probably kick puppies for fun. This was just some classic R&B from Ray, btw. That's important to note since he's got a country album coming up soon.

Up next: Miles Davis - Kind of Blue

Miles Austin?

21. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue

So I'm still curious about Miles Davis, and this is supposed to be a landmark jazz album. However, it just kinda washed over me without leaving much of an impression. I doubt one listen is all you need on a complex jazz album, but it's possible that he was right when he said his music isn't for white people. I'll keep it around to listen to another time.

Up next: Marty Robbins - Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs

22. Marty Robbins - Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs

Miles Davis was onto something. White people shouldn't listen to his music. That's because this white guy really enjoyed this Marty Robbins album, and it's as white as music got until Barry Manilow came along. These are simple tales of gunfights and cattle drives. He does that "Down in the west Texas town of El Paso" song. He also does "Big Iron" which you know if you've played Fallout: New Vegas. You've heard it about a hundred times if you have. It kicked off the album and immediately got me in the mood for some Gunsmoke kinda stories or old west shootouts where dudes die but they don't show any blood. Good album.

Up next: Dave Brubeck - Time Out

Out

Marty was country when country was cool.

Adolescent Hoob used to sing "Big Iron in his pants" when "Big Iron" played on the radio.

23. Dave Brubeck - Time Out

Here's some jazz for white people. It sounds like the Charlie Brown cartoon music. Or maybe the music coming from the piano store at the mall back when they had piano stores at the mall. The big difference between white jazz and black jazz is I can make sense of white jazz. Everyone is playing the same time signature which makes it easy to follow. Of course, that also means it's easier music to listen to. There's organization and uniformity to white jazz. Black jazz is all over the place with guys riffing for however long they feel. Now that I can compare the two, I can see what Miles Davis was going for. I still may not understand what he was doing, but I can see how it was changing the game.

Up next: Joan Baez - Joan Baez

Fuck me, it's almost as bad as Butcher Pete.

The beating that is Jamie Foxx completely ruined Ray Charles for me.

^hackin' 'n whackin' 'n smackin'^

The movie was overrated but Ray Charles is still da man.

You like how I threw some negro talk in there?

lol I get it now

24. Joan Baez - Joan Baez

We're done with the 50s and start off the 60s with a complete beatdown. If I had to make a list of people in this world I have no use for, Joan Baez is right there at the top. I never knew much about her but she'd always show up for any kind of benefit concert and sing backup at center stage like she belonged there. Here's the original cunt with an acoustic guitar singing about trees. She always had this air of self-importance and the worst of hippiedom contained in one body. And while most hippies and folk singers from her era moved on and played state fairs and casino gigs for cash, she stuck by her ways and became a full-time activist. She started hanging out in tress, gathering nuts and berries, and crying for the poor. Then every summer, she finds a festival/benefit concert with a sufficient number of big names from the 60s, climbs the stage in her Birkenstocks, and sings "We Shall Overcome" with all the other millionaires. I'll listen to Bob Dylan. And I'll listen to Crosby, Stills, and Nash. But she needs to go back home to her treehouse, eat another handful of bear shit, and stay the fuck away from civilization. Sure, she has a pretty voice and she can actually play her guitar, but shut the fuck up already. Your words aren't that important. Even Bono is telling you to lighten up. I'd put her on my dead pool list simply for hate reasons but she's probably eaten so much granola in her life that she'll never die. Seriously, fuck this chick.

Up next: Elvis Is Back!

I fear for my girl Joni Mitchell when her turn comes.

What.a.fag.

Forum MVP.

25. Elvis Presley - Elvis Is Back!

After Joan Baez, I'm more than happy to welcome Elvis back. I think I enjoyed this collection a little better than the first one, partly because I didn't know many of the songs and hadn't been beaten down with them. Also, there's not much Elvis quiver voice on this one. When he slows it down on songs like "Fever" his voice fits well as he can slink through the lyrics like the sexy bitch he is. Listening to this, I could understand his appeal a bit more, and I could see how much he'd learned over a few years about selling a song through your performance. I'm looking forward to seeing more of his evolution later on.

Up next: Miriam Makeba

If this is the Elvis album that I think it is, Stuck on You is my fave on it.

I thought that was Lionel Richie.

26. Miriam Makeba - Miriam Makeba

This is a chick from South Africa, a bleck. She sings a bunch of Lion King kinda crap. It's actually not that bad, though most of it is in another language so it's probably a bunch of Kill Whitey propaganda. There's some English on it, like yet another cover of "House of the Rising Sun". And then there's something called "The Click Song" which makes fun of Westerners for not recognizing tongue clicks as a valid phonetic sound. Mostly, this sounds like stuff kids would like, especially the version of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" recorded in its original language before it became a hit over here. There's something about all those "Wimowehs" that's pretty cool. It's a nice look into the music of another culture, though I doubt I'll keep it in rotation or revisit it again.

Up next: A Date with the Everly Brothers

27. The Everly Brothers - A Date with the Everly Brothers

I'm no fag, but if I had to, like if it was a life or death thing, I'd date the Everly Brothers. They're cute and harmless, and they have a way with a melody. Plus mom and dad wouldn't be offended at all by them. They're perfect, clean-cut Christian boys. Products of a long-gone era, you know, without all that icky progression stuff. Oh, they're sooooo dreamy.
*sighs*
*gazes longingly out window*

Up next: Jimmy Smith - Back at the Chicken Shack

28. Jimmy Smith - Back at the Chicken Shack

With a title like that, I was expecting some southern blues, but this is another jazz guy. I don't really get it, as jazz and chicken don't really go together, at least not the kind of chicken you get at a chicken shack. At a chicken shack, I expect someone to be playing a washboard, maybe even a jug. Instead, his instrument is the Hammond organ which can be bluesy, but he's duetting with a saxophone throughout the proceedings here. The sax is playing some straightforward jazz, nothing unusual. The organ sounds like it's being played between innings at the ball game, though. It's not bad, but not a keeper, either.

Up next: Muddy Waters at Newport

So the Chicken Shack is not a little ol' place where we can get together?

holy fuck I love you right now.

29. Muddy Waters - At Newport

I'm making a decree: White people are no longer allowed to play the blues. Pretend all you want, but you'll never get it like these old guys do. It's not about bending the right notes. It's about feeling. I've never been much a fan of the blues simply because white people fucked it up. It felt inauthentic and I backed away from it. However, Muddy Waters made me feel something here. These were basic songs about slipping it to your woman, but that sumbitch brought me into a groove that I didn't want to end. He brought everything from the Delta to Chicago and even made time for a little visit to church. It would've got up and danced except people would've looked at me funny. I was damn near overtaken by the black man's music, and that shit felt good.

Up next: Bill Evans - Sunday at the Village Vanguard

30. Bill Evans - Sunday at the Village Vanguard

More Murph and the Magictones-type white guy lounge jazz. The bass player had a bit of a workout, but the rest is just Charlie Brown holiday special soundtrack. Throw in some oddly-cadenced philosophical shenanigans and it's dead on.

Up next: Ray Charles - Modern Sound in Country and Western Music

31. Ray Charles - Modern Sounds in Country and Western Music

At first, I thought that may be a bit of a misnomer as this album is only country part of the time. It opens with a cover of "Bye Bye Love" complete with R&B horns and a rockin' piano. I was thrown, but then I realized this isn't a full country album, but more of a mesh of country and R&B. Ray takes some of the funk of R&B and mixes it with the swing and the shuffle of early country. It's modern sounds, which means an update for old ways. As usual, Ray kicks ass, but it also shows he was a forward-thinking dude who wasn't afraid of any backlash that might come from segregated minds. I'm not saying he was key in the civil rights movement, but he at least recognized that two sides could celebrate music together and created an important step forward in popular music.

Up next: Booker T & the MG's - Green Onions

Blind people are great at music. Can't wait for the Ronnie Millsap review.

That should be happening Any Day Now.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

I can't all of these dad jokes pouring onto the forum like a smokey mountain rain.

I can't see what the point of these dad jokes are.