<Bernard Shaw voice>This is going to be a fucking disaster.</bsv>

Today, I officially became a soccer coach. I volunteered for this duty when Tit Jr's coach for the past few seasons had to bow out over time concerns. No one else would touch the job, but since I'm a bigger idiot than most, I eventually relented to keep the kids together. Everyone knows I have no soccer or even exercise experience, but they're okay with it as long as it isn't them running things.

I had to sit through a coaches clinic today. It was 2 hours of lecture followed by 2 hours in the hot sun learning drills. Fuck.that.shit. I didn't volunteer for a single drill and still almost got heat stroke. Plus they didn't tell anyone we had outside time beforehand so no one was dressed right or had water. Real smart.

Just rent Bend It Like Beckham, and you'll instantly become a Soccer coach phenom.

Is that better than Soccer Dog? Cuz that's all they had at the Redbox.

I think Netflix has Air Bud Kicks it Old School on Watch Instantly.

Fantastic start to the season as the first practice draws 3 out of 8 kids, one of which was my own son. I sent an email to the entire team earlier in the week and 2 people responded saying they couldn't make it, one of whom made it anyway. That leaves 4 people who don't check their email or can't bother to reply. WTF is wrong is people? I already hate this team.

Send them an email telling them there will be free beer at practice. That will get them to at least one.

I can bring and , and explain it away as they're being 'special needs', if you want, Tit.

They added another kid to my team. Of course, this occurs the day after I order uniforms.

Welcome to my Jacksox hell.

I now understand why you wanna punch Cap.

well, we'll know now why the one kid has a white tshirt with duct tape numbers on the back.

First successful practice last night. 7 of 9 kids were there. A few MILFs, one in particular I have my eye on. Her son sucks at soccer, so I'll arrange some coaching sessions. I'll spend time with her then have her pass the info onto her son later on.

Milf's? Need an assistant coach?

In fact, I do. Shit was out of control last night.

People who know nothing about soccer shouldn't coach it.

Call meh

Can you pass the background check?

Does the background check look for anger issues? I'd hate for little kids to get yelled at.

Yelling is ok. Inappropriate touching is not.

Finally got in touch with the mom of the kid we claimed off waivers. Problem is she speaka no english and I don't speak churro. I had to speak broken Spanish to her: "Futbol...sabado...mucho run-run." I get the feeling I'll be eating the cost of the kid's uniform. He better be the next fuckin' Pele.

or Tit doesn't have to mow his yard for a year.

Holy shit! That's exactly what I'm gonna make the little fruitpicker do.

I got some real fuckin' mongoloids on this team.

^is trying to teach Trig Palin how to play goal^

daddy's baby guhl!

Tomorrow was to be the start of the season, but it's already canceled due to wet fields. On one hand, I'm kinda glad I don't have to bother with any soccer shit tomorrow, but on the other, I know the makeup game will be rescheduled for some balls cold Tuesday in November.

Another player added to replace the Mexican that never showed up. Lovely. How am I supposed to get him a uniform in time for this weekend's game? I guess the league doesn't give a shit about that.

First game is complete. Swamp-ass is a big player out there after last night's rain. I wish I'd put deodorant on my balls this morning.

The coach of the other team carried a clipboard and constantly barked orders to his players. Remember, these kids are 6 going on 7, and the league doesn't even bother to keep score of these games yet. It's about learning and having fun, but this douchenozzle is assigning positions and designing plays. I quickly learned two things: 1. The field is so big the players can't hear me most of the time, and b. They're not gonna listen to me anyway because they're 6. In the end, while they still have some learnin' to do, they had fun. That makes me coach of the fuckin' year.

That other guys is definitely a douche. Magnet ball can't be coached, only observed. Your job is to make sure everyone gets a chance to play, tell the kids to rub dirt on their scrapes, and make sure there are enough juice boxes for everyone after the game. Let the kids be kids.

Wanna be my assistant coach?

But who really won though?

Oh they kicked our ass.

And miss 30 Minute Meals and Secrets of a Restaurant Chef every Saturday morning? No way!

We had a makeup game tonight. Six kids showed. That's a lot of fun, barely being able to give the kids a break since we gotta have 5 on the field at all times. Fortunately, they're energetic little bastards and most want to play constantly. They still can't get shit like passing down, despite working on it during practice. The other team figured out passing, thus the team scored a bunch. We scored once. I blame the coach.

You need to recruit mexicans

I got two on the team but they're Americanized, meaning they suck.

I had an awesome fart and fall at practice tonight. I was doing passing drills with the little shits when one kicked the ball hard and wide of me. I leaped sideways to stop it but tripped over the ball after getting it. I tried to regain my footing but it was "Oh dear God" time and my ass went flying to the ground. Body is fine, but ego was severely bruised.

Did the kids giggle?

did the kids laugh at you?

Surprisingly, no.

teenagers would've

They'll laugh when I show them the pins they're probably gonna have to put in my hip.