Most slots in Vegas have a 98% payout rate.

like I said, that's dumber than playing slots in Vegas.

If you look hard enough, pretty much every casino will have a group of slots with signs saying 98% of higher payout.

Today's entry takes us back to the self-check section at Albertson's. It was 5:45 in the afternoon, the busy time of day. I needed tomatoes.

Some guy, about 40, had two cases of Albertson's bottled water and a couple of other items. But nobody could go because this dumbass had a rain check for the bottled water and it took an act of Congress to get it processed. He saved twenty-five cents per case for a total of fifty cents.

FIFTY CENTS!

It took 10 minutes for this dumbass to buy 2 cases of ALBERTSON'S bottled water. Dumbass.

I offended a friend of mine about a month ago talking about bumper stickers. I said, if you have more than 3 stickers on your car, you are a dumbass. He had 4.

But a real dumbass is someone who has multiple stickers of their favorite energy drink on their car, usually a tricked out Honda Civic with a loud tailpipe.

Are there really girls out there who see the Monster logo on the back of a car and start to get wet? Not even the stupidest sluts do that, dumbasses. Same goes for all of the pencil dicks with the NOS on the back.

Let's be serious now. It's a fucking can of water with a lot of caffeine in it. And you put their logo on your car and drive around town with it? What a dumbass you are. How about I put some Trojan stickers on the Hoobmobile. They represent that maybe I got some pussy once, unlike you. They were responsible for me not having crotchfruit that will someday get drunk and post on message boards. Oh, and they kept me from getting the herp back in the eighties from your mom.

Dumbass.

So should I keep my SELENA sticker?

Double

This is to the owner of the 65 Mustang GT convertible I saw driving down the 121 tollway yesterday.....



Great job on restoring the car. You looked cool driving with the top down cruising along........ However, your apparent air of coolness was shattered when I noticed you had your index finger stuck up your nose to the second knuckle. Honestly Dumbass, do you think there is a force field around your car preventing the rest of us from seeing you dig for gold?!?

one for me *flicks booger*

one for my homeys *does cowboy blow*

*Snot rocket*

From the Denton Wretched-Comical crime blotter:

A woman came to the police department to surrender on a Class C misdemeanor warrant Wednesday morning. She was searched before being led into a jail cell. According to a report, two pills fell out of her bra. One was Seroquel and one was Xanax; both are controlled substances.

The woman explained that she intended to take the pills so she could relax while she was in jail.

If you are a busybody who is trying to manipulate the school nutrition laws to suit your little agenda, you are a dumbass.

If you think that having a candy machine in the hallway is causing Barbara Jean to weigh 245 pounds in the eighth grade, you are obviously a dumbass.

Me? I stand up to these dumbasses in my small way. I give my kids cookies, candy, soft drinks, and every other illegal food that I can think of that's not alcoholic. Just to spite these little dumbasses.

Took Mrs. Hoob to Lewisville to eat Saturday, drove by a retail place that had a lawn out front. It was raining pretty hard and from the looks of the ditches, it had been raining for hours just like it had been in Denton.

Some dumbass was out mowing the grass in front of that place, and some other dumbass was out there edging in the pouring rain.

I guess if he didn't mow, he didn't get paid. No money, no Natural Light for Saturday night.

Dumbass.

He was nattyscaping.

Okay, let's take a few minutes to review bathroom etiquette at the office.

First off, the toilets are for taking a sit down only....

If you gotta piss, use the urinal. If, for some strange reason, you time it so that ALL urinals are occupied and you can't hold it. Then, and only then use the toilet, but raise the seat and point that thing in the right direction! In other words, HIT THE F'N BOWL!

Is the fact that you pissed on the floor and seat supposed to indicate to us that peeing out your dingus is on par with a single fireman trying to handle a six inch hose solo?

Pay attention and point, Dumbass!

so did you shit anyway or hold it all day

Sorry Ich.

I call Han Solo Cup six inch hose solo sometimes.

Here's my recommendation for bathroom etiquette: Stop shitting at work. I don't want to smell what you had for dinner last night. You're home for 12 hours a day. Shit there.

You have a job?

According to Junior, shitting is when we most like animals. If I take a really good one, I'll walk out of the bathroom and kick my feet back like dogs do. I'm just showing the rest of the people in the house who's boss.

I'm dragging my ass across the men's room tiles.

Wow. This is all better than anything I ever put here.

I'm licking my red rocket.

I won't go that far but if you see me at the urinal when you walk in and sit down to do your thing couldn't you wait 30 seconds till I wash up and leave? Nobody wants to hear your buttcheeks flap like a window shade being let go.

Then how come when you were at my house and I was at the kitchen sink washing hands you squatted over the tile and produced some ganache looking substance?

if some smarmy whistlin pisser doesn't have the good sense to leave when the bolt action sound of the stall door is engaged, happy fucking new year

Fine, I'll be sure make you a nice puddle outside your stall on my way out the door.

Delete him, fruit!

I would shit in the field next door at high noon before I would mop up some Dumbass' piss....

8 of those are sleeping. Sorry, my poop time is generally around 8:30. I'm not going to force it out an hour early at home and I'm sure as hell not going to hold it for 8 hours until I get back.

Being scared of pooping in public and/or a workplace restroom or being scared of being in a public restroom while someone else is pooping is faggotry of the highest order.

I ain't scared either way. I just don't like it.

I'm not saying you have to enjoy it. But fighting through it is just part of life.

I love a good dump. So long as there aint a glory hole to my left or right and I have door then I'm good. I won't shit though anywhere than at home or work.

what if the glory hole is in the front?

I'm a catcher.

or just outside of a campsite.

I also forgot about the outhouse that had some old Playboys in it.

Chris Berman, Dumbass.

I read some apologist a few weeks ago who said he had toned down the stupid Three Stooges noises and all of that.

Not at all. He's worse than ever and his NFL show is worse than ever.

Dumbass.

Dumbasses who don't get obvious plays on words or sarcasm. There has been a story in the Sherman paper about a bank robbery, and of course the comments are stupid, or as this dumbass said, stupit.

One guy talked about how easy it is to rob banks there and named himself Thomas E. Gunnz. It immediately made me think of Tommy Gun. Get it? I got it. Here's a comment to his comment:

THOMAS,IT SEEMS YOU HATE TEXOMA. SO YOU MUST BE ONE OF US STUPIT ONES STILL HERE. BUT IF YOU WANT TO BE DUMM, PLASE PACK YOUR BAGS AN GET THE HELL OUT OF TEXOMA.I WOULD YOU STUPIT DUMMY WHEN YOU THE ONLY EDCUATED MAN HERE WHO WOULD PUT HIS OWN FULL NAME IN THE PAPER,IF I WERE YOU I WOULD BE GETTING OUT OF DODGE.THANK YOU TEXOMA FOR A GREAT 38 YRS. L.M. SHERMAN

I wonder if L.M. likes fish sticks?