oh shit.

oh no.

Obit?

Wow, old Hoob can sure have some adventures. Here are the two fuckups from yesterday.

1. One of my dogs had something wrong with it and the wife hadn't even noticed it. Took it to the vet who pronounced that its heart murmur was worse, the liver and kidneys were failing. Wasn't my regular vet but was in the same office. After some discussion that night it came out that I gave the dog a piece of a cookie that had macadamia nuts in it. The wife went to bed furious and I was afraid I'd get Lorena Bobbitted in my sleep. I can't tell you how guilty I felt, making a dog that sick to the point that it might die.

2. As I was retiring for the evening, I checked Facebook. I had somehow offended a MILF. Might have job implications, moral turpitude and all of that. Wasn't my fault, but that's how it goes when males are involved in this sort of thing. Went to bed wondering if I can get my old job back teaching in Wise County. And that's when I made my post at 10:50.

Here is how those turned out.

1. Wasn't happy with how the dog was suffering this morning, took her back to the vet and dropped her off for observation. Before I got home the poor thing fell over dead in the cage. My regular vet was there and she said it was obviously heart failure and not anything the dog ate. The puppydog was only 8 years old and was a dandy little dog.

2. The MILF appears to be ok with me but I don't know the entire story and may not until later. At least I can still teach in Denton County.

Sorry about your sweet puppy dog, hoob.

Sorry about your puppy dog Hoob.

Sorry, hoob. Especially about the dog. Job thing sucks too.

On the bright side hoob you get to keep your wiener.

that would have made #4 from the 2012 resolutions tough to achieve.

Work is in turmoil. I hate it and don't want to go in tomorrow.

I have a friend who always had the opinion that it all really doesn't matter and we shouldn't get worked up about it. I wish I had his attitude. Of course he has an extremely hot wife who is really nice. I bet they had grex tonight. I didn't.

My quest for having an affair has hit turn one. *Goes and gets beer*

But that's ok. I have alternative plans. You should see plan F.

I have another friend who teaches at a little school that is overrun by kids doing drugs. They are probably posting about it on Facebook right now. Goodbye, Facebook.

Please tell me he doesn't teach in Little Elm

Wo's tennis is on. Nobody screams on every shot like Maria Sharapova does. I wonder what she sounds like when she has an orgasm.

Actually, those types are on Youporn and I don't like them. In real life I've only known one. She was faking. *Goes and gets beer*

I have never thought Marilyn Monroe was pretty.

By a stroke of luck and hard work, I am being recruited by three school districts. My current employer is making an effort to keep me. It is shocking and cool and quite a switch from what happened to me five years ago when I wanted to nuke the entire town I worked in but was trapped there. I wish there was a way that instead of schools recruiting me it would be red-headed women.

I have worked at two different places that had rules for how to get rid of an annoying person who had trapped us. At one place we had a hand signal that meant that a co-worker needed to come by and make up a story about why we were needed elsewhere. At another it was a nonscensical phrase that we would utter as a friend was passing by.

One time I rescued a guy who didn't know about this gag. I noticed that he was horribly trapped by a clueless band teacher who wouldn't shut up. I had him paged to the office for a phone call. When he got there and we explained to him that he had been rescued, it took a couple of seconds to sink in. Then he laughed and said, "Oh my gosh, y'all are wonderful."

Hoob.

Oooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

When some people go under anesthesia, they say odd and disturbing stuff when they wake up. My mom would say things so destructive that her sister couldn't bear to be around her so someone else had to be there.

What would I do if it was me coming out of anesthesia? For many years I've called Mrs. Hoob "the old bitch" but she has no idea that I do this. Here's an example: the garage door opens and I tell my dogs, "Hey everybody, the Old Bitch is here!" They bark happily.

Anyway, I'm terrified that while drugged up I'll refer to her as the Old Bitch or maybe something even worse. Maybe I'll talk about some elementary teacher I want to throw down for some grex.

Lick me.

I had surgery a few years back. They gave me a sedative before putting me under. Mrs. Ich states that while in pre-op, that I looked her in the eye and asked for a blowjob. She said right after that that the nurse walked in to check on me and that I invited her and Mrs. Ich to service me at the same time. Finally, as they were wheeling me towards the operating room, she claims that I called out, "If I don't make it your anniversary gift is in the trunk of my car!"

Although I have no doubt she's telling me the truth, I have absolutely no recollection of any of it.

Oh my gosh. That is so awesome.

Now I am REALLY scared of an operation.

You're scared to ask your wife and a nurse for a tag team blow job? Queer.

Oooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Woah, that wore me out.

A kickass time was had.

Oooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

In the midst of all of my marriage woes, it never occurred to me what I'd do if one of us fell into bad health. The old ball and chain injured herself recently doing yard work and had to get her shoulder repaired by a surgeon. She spent a night in the hospital as a result. This meant I had to actually TRY to be a good husband and do stuff for the poor suffering old nag. I felt awkward during the whole thing.

Really, I am sick of politics on the Ticket, especially Gordon Keith. Fuck a duck, dude, there are so many things going on in the world, but you have to focus on the stupid Republican debates every time they have one? They have those more than I have bowel movements.

I've heard that jacking off makes you deaf, and I've heard that it makes you go blind. Which is it? I would type that question on a Google search but then my inquiry would be recorded.

I had this girlfriend in high school. One day she was riding in the car with her family and they passed by a fellow that was fixing a flat. The poor girl exclaimed to her family that the guy was "jacking off his car." She was 15 at the time. I wonder where she heard that term.

Hoob.

The Summer of Hoob.

Sounds like Mallard just got a divorce. Maybe that's why he deleted all his posts?

Woah.

x 100000000000000000000000000000

^listens to the Word^

ba ba oo mow mow

Oooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

After listening to a clueless person tell me her life story today, I realized that there was a person in this world more clueless than me. As I drove home I constructed something called the clueless scale. A ten is fucking clueless and a 1 has their life pretty much squared away. I think I'm a 4. I am seen by many as being fairly stable, but I do stupid stuff damned near every day. The person I counseled today is about a 7. Pretty damned clueless but not the worst in the world.

I know that spring training in baseball doesn't matter but I hate seeing the Rangers lose this much. Before today's game against the Giants, they had the worst record in the Majors.

At my work there are more women Rangers fans than men. And these girls are serious. Just think. We were one pitch away from having celebratory sex. Well, I was.

A story came out today about a third grader in Louisiana giving another one head in class. I am terrified of horny teenagers doing something like that in my class while I'm sitting at my desk, posting on RR. We have had instances of kids getting caught screwing in locker rooms, behind the curtains on the stage, and in one case, out on the football field in broad daylight.

It would be funny if the third grader came to school on Monday with a shirt that read, "Give me head, till I'm dead."

Hoob.

Twice!

I stayed in Tyler on Thursday night at the Holiday Inn on Broadway. It's a monster hotel and dated in a brassy fixtures and paneling kinda way. The hotel had a restaurant and some bar called Cassidy's or Mulligan's or some shit. Most of the lights were burned out on the sign. They gave me some drink coupons when I checked in cuz I'm platinum elite, which makes me like Up in the Air Clooney in the world of Tier 4 hotel chains. After a very bland dinner of suck at the Fish City Grill, which they have in Dallas and is comparable to Rockfish, I thought I'd check out the bar for a drinky poo. Even though I'm monogamous, I always think in the back of my head that there might be some drunken hot floozy that might be bout it bout it but there never is. Just a couple of really fat Tyler roses and a bunch of olds. I ordered Maker's on the rocks because I like whiskey but the wife is weird about hard liquor so I really get to enjoy it when she's not around. As I'm drinking, I get a look at these olds which number like 6 couples worth, all 80+. The women are dolled up, some in wigs and garishly applied clown make up but they were really trying to still be hot. Their dance partners were mostly dudded up in cowboy gear. I peed next to one and he seemed to be really having a time with his bladder. He farted and it was like a low tuba. Anyway, this place seems to be their Cheers and they were having a time as some country singer sang old classics from Kenny Rogers and the like. Between songs he'd tune his guitar and mess with the karaoke type thing that projected all the other back up instruments. He had a nice voice, but God he looked beaten. He sang Behind Closed Doors and one of the old guys' trembling claw hands grabbed at the sunken and cratered space of white jeans that maybe once cupped some plump butt meat but now there was just nothing cept maybe a moist depends. It was a night that really bummed me out. Got sideswiped at highway 69 and 20 on the way out of town yesterday by some kid in a Ford Ranger in front of the Cracker Barrel. Fuckin East Texas.

Meanwhile, some 3rd grader is getting oral pleasures in a classroom in La.

I got a blow job once at a scenic overlook at Petit Jean state park in Arkansas. I can't envision a risky beej being in the cards for me ever again. That little shit. Scoreboard 3rd grader.

It's a pleasure posting with you, sir.

You guys make me wanna be a better drunk.

Those 3 posts by Goucho are probably the 3 best consecutive posts on this forum in the last 5 years.

Without a doubt.

I once took a fat girl to Hot Springs. Her main goal was what she called an OSF (Out of state fuck).

11

The cobwebs lifted enough around eight this morning for me to hit up an Exxon across the street for BC powders and a Diet Coke but I was dragging balls most of the day. There was an Applebee's that shared a parking lot with the H.I. last night in the Conroe area and I kinda tied one on watching the Rangers. By kinda I mean I got pretty blasted. I woke up at 4 thoroughly hating myself and staggered to the toilet before peeing, girl style, and passed my urine in that workmanlike fashion due to a massive erection the likes of which never sprout when it's go time. Cottonmouth was in effect but I feared drinking too much water so I just wetted a washcloth and put it across my forehead and layed fetal-like till the wife called around 6. I managed to sound chipper too, just like I did around 9:30 the previous evening when I hopped from my stool and made a quick dash out the 'to go' exit and pretended to be turning in for the evening in my room. It's pathetic, I know.

From time to time corporate will send a claim to do about our product that was installed somewhere. It's a drop what you're doing kinda thing and it never seems to be local. This one was out in the sticks kinda close to Livingston. It's really pretty in those parts. Nice and lush piney wood country but the people live like they're camping. Claims are generally kinda tense too. I try to explain I'm just there to fill out a report, take pictures and measurements, blah blah, but I always get an earful. Today it was a real firecracker of a spinster. She was a dead ringer for the grocery store manager who was Jack Putter's boss in Innerspace-from the shoulders up at least. She wore one of those billowy v neck kinda tops that exposed those massive bosoms that don't really jut out, they just sort of make a big flat loopy W, like a W made with a rope layed out on the ground. They were spectacularly speckled and when she bent over they looked like two giant salami caladiums. When those puppies get unleashed one could play a veritable game of Where's Waldo with her nipples playing the part of Waldo, but I'm surmising. Anyway, she shadowed my every move, always talking. Told me everything about the contractors from day 1 and had tons of photos. I fucked up by giving her my card when I introduced myself instead of tech support's. No way I'dve done that had I been lucid. Everything was "Kevin, let me show you this, Kevin did you get this." Total beating. I was there for 2 hours. Even had to use her shitter. I didn't loiter too long after that.

Figured I'd take care of a little thing in Longview since I was already out so I hit 259N for most of the afternoon. Ate lunch at that Bullritos place in Lufkin again and the grease was good to my mouth hole. Out in the woods before I20 you'll see some cinder block buildings that are tit bars. I can only imagine the methed out skanks in those places. Feeling pretty mellow during the drive I listened to the spectrum and got to hear Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros new song Man on Fire. Good vibe. Check it out. I only had 3 beers at dinner tonight. Longviewians are under the impression Texas Roadhouse is good. They're wrong. Also, sometimes Corona burps taste like the milk from a bowl of Fruit Loops.

No more travels till week after next. The boss from Florida is coming in for the review. Wants to meet up in Shreveport and work. He likes to gamble. Should be interesting.

I like Texas Roadhouse.

It's a hell of a lot better than Texas Land and Cattle.