A few weeks ago I heard Long Dong Silver referenced on the Ticket and they mentioned he was still alive and retired. I had heard that he died of the AID at around the same time that John Holmes did. My source was incorrect.

Googled an old girlfriend yesterday, discovered that her house is up for foreclosure. I wonder if she needs consoling. I wonder if she posts authentic frontier gibberish on message boards.

Marriage sucks. If I had known back then it was going to be like this, I would have handled things differently. I would have just declared myself asexual and kept to myself and been happier.

But I have good news. I got rid of my motherfucking iPhone. This overshadows any bad things that have happened to me lately.

Good for you, Locutus.

What phone did you get. I'm thinking about getting rid of mine as well.

I got the BlackBerry Torch. So far, so good.

A Samsung Galaxy. Cheap. Good. Best of all, no iTunes.

It's cool to hate on the Iphone.

I never had one. I heard my wife and kids bitch about them enough to know not to mess with it.

Get em while you can. Apple is suing Samsung for patent infringement for (among other things) "a mobile telecommunications device rectangular in shape with rounded corners"

Well, it is.

Aren't all phones rectangular in shape with rounded corners?

But the iPhone is toasted.

This lawsuit sounds like the "look and feel" lawsuit that Apple slung at Microsoft in the 1990s and lost.

From Yahoo! news comes a story titled, "Breakfast Cereals Americans No Longer Love." Here is the list and their decrease in sales:

1. Special K, -1.4 percent.

2. Kellogg's Corn Pops, -19 percent.

3. Rice Krispies, -8.7 percent.

4. Raisin Bran, -8.4 percent

5. Cheerios, -3.86 percent.

Of the five, Cheerios had the highest total sales, easily doubling the totals of Rice Krispies, the next highest.

I love me some Cheerios.

Since when do people post really stupid crap like this? You should have been dogpiled, then banned.

Ooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Bored? Check out the Wise County True Crime page. Yes, Boyd is mentioned.

http://www.wcmessenger.com/crime/

Cheerios smell like wet cardboard. Furthermore, the texture is chalky and somewhat abrasive until the milk turns it into a mealy mix of mushy General Mills suck. I question the merits of its nutrional value especially after you gotta add tons of sugar just to make it palatable. Don't even get me started on the after burps. I hate me some Cheerios.

I loves me some Honey Nut. And they only get mushy if you leave them sitting for 20 minutes.

I highly recommend the Fiber One Honey Oat Squares. The original Fiber One has been a staple of my weight-loss plan for the last year or so. 60 calories per serving and zero sugar plus lots of fiber (mind you the serving size is half a cup, so realistically 120+ calories) which is way below every other cereal. The taste ain't great, but that's not why I eat it. But the Honey Oat Squares have 80 calories a serving (3/4 of a cup, so really less than the original) and only 3 grams of sugar. Taste is much improved and you still get a ton of sweet poop-inducing fiber.

It is interesting to note calorie counts on cereals. Look at the 160-200+ calories of things like Kashi Go Lean and Grape Nuts and then at the 100-110 calories of Cookie Crisp. It may not have the nutritional value the "healthy" cereals have, but it makes for a nice low-calorie, sweet-tooth satisfying snack.

The Fiber One Honey Squares are very good, but they don't make me poop as violently as you'd think.

The Mitch Moreland commercial where he says, "saves on fertilizer, too, looks like" needs to be retired. Unfortunately, the season is only half over. I wish somehow a nice person would embed a fart drop somewhere in the commercial. Grubes?

Of all of the threads I've started, only one has been in the Algonquinian Conversation category.

In my short lifetime, I can remember 3 worse droughts than this one.

Watched a little of an interview with Floyd Landis talking about Lance Armstrong, calling him a bully. I laughed more at this video than I do during most comedy routines. I don't like Lance at all, but wow, Floyd is bitter.

While feeling sorry for myself after my latest bike wreck, I got to thinking about motocross riders and the crap they endure. They wreck at 40 mph and if they don't break any bones, they get back on and continue to race. It made me think that getting a little boo-boo on my leg isn't that big of a deal.

I bet you 1 million dollars that Norm is watching ESPN right now soaking up info on the football lockout settlement and taking notes.

Need evidence that myspace is dead? Slutsonmyspace has expired and has been taken over by a placeholder site. Sigh.

Hoob.

Ooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Yesterday I was sitting in an empty building, waiting for the ball game to begin. Since I was in an empty building, I went out of my way to fart as many times as possible while working, amusing myself for farting in my classroom. I would ask my empty student chairs what they thought of each one. The room really smelled bad.

And then the rule of Hoob farting was enforced: In walks 3 cheerleaders. "Mister Hoob! Do you have some super glue we can borrow?" I couldn't believe it and was embarrassed to death. They thanked me and left. Thank goodness they didn't die.

Explaining celebrity death pools to people and freaking them out is fun. This week I did it to a teacher who had never heard of such a thing. Great success.

Have taken a liking to Skillet, a Christian hard rock band. I watched a webcast of them in concert with live vocals and music in it, but there were several instances of music and vocals being overdubbed. I wonder if this is common for modern music concerts. Maybe the average headbanger kid doesn't notice this sort of thing.

A kid playing World of Warcraft linked his crap to his Facebook page. He claimed his hometown was Boyd. He talked about shooting people that he didn't know in the face. The result? Boyd schools had a lockdown today. He didn't even go to school there. Yeah wall. To his credit, he didn't start what he had to say with lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

This smilie needs more love:

It's the best time of the year. Baseball is nearing the playoffs and even in the Rangers aren't in contention, I'm interested because it's baseball. If they are in contention, I get a boner every time it is mentioned on the Ticket. Football has started and I love football at all levels. Best of all, there is no fucking basketball yet.

I really hate white people's basketball. I also hate black basketball but for a different reason.

Because of my unusual position at work, I witness a lot of middle school football. It is entertaining to see and I love it. For example, unathletic kids will ask the coach when they are going to get to play. That was unthinkable back in my day. Another thing, the girls in my school paid more attention to the game than the boys standing on the sidelines these days. Don't believe it? Watch a turnover and see half the team not realize that they need to take their place on the field, then see half the team who were out on the previous play NOT realize they need to get off of the field. There will be 14 players out there ready for the next snap. We never had that happen and we were dumbshits.

I know what you mean, fuck those monkeys. Why the fuck are they on my picture box instead of more nascar and polka music, amiriite?

It had to be said. Fruit is the only one with the courage.

The uniforms are all the same color

Windows XP is about to be 10 years old. It's amazing that a product that has brought so much heartache to users is so damned popular. I'd guess that Little Hoob ISD is about 90 percent XP. The other boxes are either Win7 or Snow Leopard.

Being married still sucks. I hate it.

High school football season is already half over. I have really enjoyed it this year even though my school is only middling and probably won't make the playoffs.

Corby and Rhyner's OU love has made me a P-3 of what used to be my favorite show. Someday I'll make a list of my most hated teams. OU is in my top (or bottom) 5.

A few weeks ago I covered a high school volleyball game for a newspaper and sat on the other team's side because there was more room. A high school boy was sitting amongst friends, three guys and one girl. He was loudly detailing stuff he saw on redtube and at some point got onto the subject of squirters. Judging from the reaction of the others, they had not seen this sort of thing. Neither have I. Ever.

The Hardline has become unlistenable. I would like to see this list, now that tit has given up on the albums list.

squirters? This reminds me of Meat Flap

you're right

As I get older, my life gets more and more out of control, more wheels off. It wasn't this bad when I was 21 and drinking and doing dumb stuff. My behavior now is much worse. I'm scared to think of what I'll do when I hit 70. I think I'll start keeping a flask of vodka in my desk.

A couple of weeks ago a woman from my hometown (who I didn't know) died in church, and this was the church I attended as a kid. I wonder what the scene was like during that service when she collapsed. Does this mean the building is haunted?

My wife has been subjecting me to bad behavior for the past couple of years and I have dealt with it in a way that didn't change what she did. A couple of months ago I changed my attitude to 'I don't give a shit' and it has worked out much better for old Hoob. Much better.

Kiss the rings, bitches.

After making fun of New Year's resolutions forever, I started making them for myself a few years ago. Here are last year's and how they turned out:

1. Ride the bicycle more. Great success. Did it even though it was hotter than fuck this summer.
2. Eat healthy. Did a little better but not good enough. Stayed away from fast food for the most part.
3. Drink less. Fail. In fact, fail like a motherfucker.
4. Go to church more. Sadly, fail. I belong to a great church, too.
5. Join a different band. Fail. Have totally lost interest in music.
6. Manage money better. Success because I had no choice.
7. Be neater and more organized. Fail.

Here are this year's resolutions so far:

1. Go back on the diet I went on back in 2005. I felt the best I've ever felt in my life while on it and I want that feeling again.
2. Be neater and more organized. Where have I heard that before?
3. Make a pass at a woman. Yes, I said it.
4. Have an affair with a woman. I've already got a plan A, B, and a C for this one.
5. Take mountain bike riding to a higher level. This summer can't be as hot as last summer, so this one should be fairly easy.
6. Make myself odious to the technology department at work. Started working on that one a couple of weeks ago with great success.

Hoob.

In my book, #3 for 2012 was accomplished when you complimented that red headed park ranger on her haircut--especially if you worked in the hand pistols with the click click wink move.

Diello's 2012 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Look up the word 'odious'.

Figure I can knock out my list by late August. Good job, me.

I used to love Garfield!

Ohhhhhhhh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

The other day I was analyzing my life and trying to decide what was the golden years. I selected 1983-86, when I was freshly out of college, had a job and was still single. Then it occurred to me that it was only 4 out of 50+ years and was a small percentage of my life. But it was fun.

I once had a sampling keyboard that you could speak into, then play a key and it would say it back in your voice. Press a higher key and it would repeat what you said in a higher voice. Hit a low note and you'd get it in a deep voice. My favorite thing to say was various "black" sayings. Then I'd randomly call people on the phone (this was before caller ID) and play these funny sayings. High comedy. Farting into it was had interesting results, too. I have a couple of friends who call it the "lick me" keyboard because that always ends up being played in it.

Family strife sucks. Being surrounded by uneducated, hateful, entitled dumbasses sucks. These sumbitches are making me miserable and I hope I outlive them so I can piss on their graves with Coors Light piss. What am I saying? They are all on a path of destruction. Of course I'll outlive them all.

By six months.

Maybe I need to go back to work.

Fwiw, my self analysis didn't yield too many happy years either. One of the darker periods was when I was a manager trainee at Enterprise Rent a Car in Marshal, TX. One time, while cleaning out a car I found some little record/playback toy. It played back in a Chipmunks type voice. I got the biggest kick out of singing that Black Betty bam a lam song for some reason.

Dammit to hell. I have fucked up.