How old am I? I stood on the back porch and watched the battle of Gettysburg while having carnal thoughts about Mary Todd Lincoln.

If a man can properly control his urge to masturbate, there's no doubt he's going to be a fine worker.

I have 27 more years to live according to deathclock.com.

My back is finally healed. I'm going to ride Sunday for the first time in 3 weeks. Maybe the heat won't kill me.

It's custom made for every mother's son to be a guitar picker in Nashville.

Occasionally, women get jobs racing cars. I'm all for it. But what happens if a woman driver gets into a relationship with her car owner? Other things owned by this guy can get fucked over. The Ray Evernham-Erin Crocker-Jeremy Mayfield situation is an interesting soap opera that ended up in court this week. Evernham gets the young nookie, and Mayfield gets fired. I side with Evernham on this.

Speaking of screwing, I predicted that my friend would get caught cheating on his wife by Aug. 15. He got caught ON Aug. 15. No, I didn't tell her, although I would like to console her. Really.

The rain in Spain falls mainly on motherfucking snakes in the motherfucking plane.

Hoob.

I fucking love you for this one line.

A rant of Hoob.

What ever happened to the work ethic? I've spent my entire life battling people who don't have one. Most of these people are grown, many have degrees.

Which has the greater number? Total number of cockroaches in Wise County double wides, or dumb fucks with college degrees in the United States? Teaching in Wise County, I get the best of both worlds.

If you use the term LOL after something that you said yourself on a message board, you are a dumbass. You didn't really laugh out loud at what you typed, dumbass.

If you make some point on a message board and then end it with NUFF SAID, you are a Jerry Springer watching, number 3 with angel wings sticker displaying, jailbait girlfriend having, Basic cigarette smoking, Keystone drinking, dumbass.

I brought my bike to work today. But because I had a surprise after-school duty, I didn't get to ride. I nearly cried. I have after-school duties the next two days, so no riding. I wonder what will happen on Friday to keep me from riding.

If Corby really thinks that pot doesn't affect kids, he needs to teach at my school for just one day.

My wife just asked me if I'm going to smell like beer tomorrow morning. What a stupid question. I'm German. The day I let go of my mother's teat, I started drinking beer. Beer is food.

It is impossible to eat lunch in the cafeteria without someone whining at the table about work. This is against Hoob's rules of lunchtime etiquette (it's in the school handbook), but they do it anyway. Today I was getting peppered with tech support questions, so I changed the subject to porn. It was the best smartest thing I did all day, LOL.

Nuff said.

Hoob.

God Almighty Every job I've had, people wonder why I'm so antisocial. It's because when I'm on lunch, or I'm at the bar, or where ever else, I DO NOT want to talk about work. The only thing worse is the person who insists on carrying on a conversation with me in the breakroom, despite me having my nose buried in a book or the paper etc.

you sound like work-tit.

Although I never fart in front of my wife, I have the urge to rattle the windows right about now.

It's really obvious that I'm going to need hip replacement before I die, and it's probably going to happen before I'm sixty. Hip replacement surgery is what killed Dick Schaap. Too bad it didn't take Jeremy Schaap, too.

If Jim Morrison hadn't died when he did, he'd have been a footnote in music history.

Mark Followill's D-E-A-T-H chant still makes me laugh.

I have a slightly retarded kid in a class, and I am terrified that he is going to move back where he came from.

So Cubs fans are crying that they haven't won a championship in 98 years? Gee. All of these douchebags act like they've suffered through all 98 years. Most are younger than me. So screw them.

The older I get, the more I hate for other people to waste my time. Being in a band of spares, I often have to be at rehearsal so a bunch of fucking non-musicians can get some practice time in. Instead of jacking off to images of Fran Drescher, they should practice their guitars on their own.

Please, please, oh please, T.O., do something stupid before game one. Maybe you could hold out. You know you wanna. Everybody else is doing it. What are ya, chicken? It'll make you popular.

Good grief. Someone has actually registered www.dieinafire.com and they have a picture of a cat wearing goggles on it.

Anyone who replies to this is a fag.

I may be queer for replying, but only a true fag is scared of farting in front of their wife.

that bitch has it coming for some shit you just don't know about.
Mrs Hoob has probably fucked off somewhere along the road. So she deserves a good fartin'.

btw, I mean "that bitch" in the general sense, NOT Mrs Hoob. Cuz I'd call Hoob that before her.

No offense taken. And you are right, of course.

All is right with the world. It's football season. Tonight I attended a 1A football game. Each school had an enrollment of under 170 kids. One school had a 19 kid marching band, the other had no band at all. Total attendance was about 250. I was in Hoob heaven.

Geez, look at the lights on my router. I guess both of my computers are furiously phoning home. I'm sure that the copious amount of midget porn that I've downloaded has nothing to do with this.

I wonder what is the most common nickname for midgets? We used to have one in our town called "Mouse." He was a nice guy, but he was also horny as a two headed goat. A few years ago he committed suicide by drinking some Coca-Cola. (Supposedly, if a mouse drinks soda, they explode because they can't burp).

Tonight while listening to a milf tell me her problems, I noticed she was wearing a wedding ring. Rats. By then she had already caught me staring at her boobies. Twice. I wonder if this lessens my chance of a roll in the hay with her.

I can think of five Ticket personalities who are funnier than Gordon Keith. If you count Walt as a Ticket personality, there are six.

Man can Hoob drink.

Hoob.

Hoob's blogging gives me giggle pants. You're the bestest!

Completely unsolicited, and I love you forever.

Thanks, Hoob.

Loves meh some cocky Grubes.

Loves me some Grubes cock...err...wait hold on...ahh fuck it. I loves me some grubes cock...

it's ok. We've all gotten in touch with our inner queer here.

Don't be a faggot!

Jus wonderin if you were in to blacks...

When I was in high school, we played a darkie inner-city school from Fort Worth that only had a drum line and a drill team. The drum line played along with a soundtrack of a real band that was piped in over the stadium PA system. Lots of s and s across the bleachers.

My ears are ringing because we played way too loud. How loud was it? Some guy named Kim Jong II called to complain that we were disturbing his golf game over in North Korea. He said he couldn't putt because we were playing Louie Louie too loud. He also said that he could play better than me. Then he shot a hole in one.

Speaking of holes in one, I wonder what percentage of our customers at the club actually have grex after our show?

Gee, the Rangers lost again.

All over the country, there are millions of people who are thinking "national championship" after their college football team won today. WTF? It might be a bit early for that.

Lots of drunks on the road tonight. Speaking of drunks, a drunk girl fell asleep on the gazebo that was near the club where we played.

My gosh, I just dozed off while typing. I've never done that before. Maybe I should lie down now. I'd hate to injure myself by falling out of a chair.

And so the gator guy is dead. Can't believe he made it this long. A Corvette stingray isn't the safest car around.

I am obsessed with the idea of not wanting people to see my nose hairs.

If I had lived 2,000 years ago, I wonder how I would have taken care of this obsession. Since the MicroTouch trimmer hadn't been invented yet, I guess I might have had to just let them grow. I wonder if everyone had long nose hairs back then.

I have the worst cell phone in the world, and I am happy about it. I hate talking to people on the phone, and this thing guarantees that I won't. The other day a friend was pouring his soul out to me, and I didn't want to hear it. My little cheap phone took care of my problem by cutting his pathetic ass off after 30 seconds. You can't beat that with a stick.

Tonight's gig was as fun as last night's was miserable.

Run, you can run, tell my friend-boy, Willie Brown. And I'm staying at the crossroads, believe I'm sinking down.

The end of a three day drunk. It was a great three days.

Hoob.

My liver=Tidy Cat.

Tonight I met someone who had a dog with the same name as my dog. I'm going to sue their pants off for doing that. I'm going for punitive damages, too. Judging from the looks of their house, I should rake in 10 or 15 dollars, which should pay off my lunch charges at work.

The world is infested with fucktards. Tonight, after listening to us play Buddy Holly and Elvis for a solid hour, a kid came up and asked us what kind of music we played. My reply: rock and roll from 1955-69. His response: Oh. Can you play some Metallica? I was pretty sure we hadn't been paid yet, so I refrained from kicking his stupid pathetic ass.

I have friends who are obsessed with pussy. Obsessed. It rules their lives. If they were 17, I'd understand it. But they're older than me. I'm 47. Sure, I like it, but I don't spend every waking hour thinking about how to get some.

Speaking of girls, out of all the girls I saw tonight, ONE was cute. And my standards are really loooooooooooooow.

If you cut across my yard tomorrow, you are gonna get your feet muddy. The mud is going to come from where Hoob took a leak in the dirt that you walked through. So you've got that going for you.

I wonder what my cholesterol is. Last June it was 220 and my doc wanted me to take medicine for it. I refused. Three months later I got it down to 122 by diet and exercise. It's been a year since then, and I bet it ain't 122 now.

Hoob.

I actually plan on getting drunker than this tomorrow night, but I don't plan on making it home alive, so this entry will have to cover the entire weekend.

Nookie, nookie, nookie.

MacBooks are good for surfing the net while taking a dump.

A gangsta student told me that his homeys that roamed my neighborhood were tough stuff. I told him that my Glock was, too. Checkmate, you stupid shithead.

My old dog gets injured a lot. I've never seen a dog get more pulled muscles than this guy. It's like he's a washed-up sprinter or something. Have some steriods, Sparky. You'll be good as new.

Speaking of dogs. A neighbor abandoned one and I'm about to adopt it. I'd better never ever see this sonofabitch again. But since he still owns the house and only temporarily moved off, I bet I will. It will be glorious when I see this guy and I'm walking his dog.

One month of teaching, already been sick with one cold. I had five colds last year. I'm about to buy some surgical masks to put a stop to this madness. It'll also keep me from smelling so many kid farts.

If I ever get in to the football picks segment with Queer Craig and conservative Georgio, I will say something that will cause me to get dumped. Bet on it.

Hoob.

I am happy. Small town high school football does this to me. Well, beer helps, too.

I saw a little miracle at a convenience store tonight. I could not take my eyes off of her. Her boyfriend didn't appreciate it one bit. What's he gonna do, beat up an old man? Nah. I just kept on staring until I ran my car into a fucking gas pump.

Looking at the city of Denton jail website, there are no hots in the slammer at this moment, and it is disappointing. All of the females are black and torn up, or else are already wearing the organ, er, oragan, fuck! orange jail jump suit. *Runs off to get a steak knife*

Anyone who intentionally spells "the" as "teh" is a moron. Anyone who intentionally spells moron as moran...aw, fuck it.

Nothing sucks the life out of me more than being the victim of a long thread of soppy emoticons. Except for a long thread of babyarm emoticons. And anybody who posts them following this is a bona fide queer.

How does the guy who invented the fleshlight explain his invention to his mom? How would I react if I got one as a birfday gift?

Excuuuuse me, but I need to go to the bathroom with my gift, y'all.

Hoob.

teh soopheh!

:babyarm:

quit yer fuckin' bitching, you old bastard, and accept it.

My ears are ringing so badly, I can barely hear my farts.

Once again, today I proved my theory of farting. If I cause a green cloud, a woman will approach. Twas in the parking lot and I waited to get away from my friends before I emitted about a cubic yard of noxious gas. Just as I was thinking, "Good grief, that stinks," a female acquaintance poked me in the ribs and said hello. She appeared out of nowhere. She had a couple of women with her. I'm lucky the smell didn't kill them.

I wish I could be slick with women. My friends are all better at it than I am. I'm just too quiet.

We played two gigs today and I barely made it home. Beer and fatigue don't mix.

I wonder what's up with my wife. When I called the house this afternoon to check on her, she had just finished mowing the yard. Right now I'm looking at a carpet that has been vacuumed. Halley's comet comes around more often than she vacuums.

Kiss the rings, bitches.

I'm bad. I'm Nationwide.

The cover band that played after us tonight had some arrogant people in it. Dudes, you play in a cover band just like I do. So suck it.

About 10 years ago, we nearly got into a fight with a cover band that played after us at a KLUV show in Euless. They were a bunch of unbelievably arrogant pricks. We had to play before them again the next day, and each of us had already picked out who we were going to fight if they started that crap up again. Me? I was going to take out the fat keyboard player, a girl. Strangely, they were very nice to us that day.

Went to a ball game at a charter school last night, and now I am officially on board with the charter school. Any place that gets dirt bags out of the public schools can't be all bad. And there were some there.

Is there any dumber Internet argument than U.T. people vs. A&M people? Let's see, there are the stupid names...Aggots. T.U. eATMe. Tea sips. Whorns. Both groups need to STFU and DIAF.

I once intercepted an e-mail to one of my students from a girl named christianchick69@domain.net. Dumbest e-mail name ever (I changed the last part so none of you angels would e-mail her.)

I cannot lick my balls. I cannot lick yours, either.

Hoob.

a cover band rumble sounds like something right out of anchorman.

*tries to unsend*

The beginning of a four day weekend at Hoob manor. I wish it was a 4 day drunk. Instead, it's gonna be a half-assed drunk.

I can do a lot of stuff half-assed. Photography is an example. Love it, but I'm not good at it. Playing various musical instruments is another example. I can half-assed play several instruments, but I'm barely above the suck balls level on any of them. Just ask any real musician who has heard me.

Speaking of musical instruments, any jokes involving the term "skin flute" are stupid.

My wireless headphones suck balls.

Somehow I have conned my wife into mowing the yard. For 11 years, it was my job. I wouldn't even let her do it when she offered. But about 3 months ago, I hurt my back and she started doing it. And she's kept on doing the mowing. And I'm not going to stop her even though my back is healed.

You know what? I'm going to plant some fucking winter grass this weekend so she's going to have to mow it all winter, too. Hee-HEE!

I am living the good life.

Hoob.

You have really low expectations for 'the good life'.

Iused to have lawn.

I don't miss Expo. I don't miss Gleegum, his ID on removerowdy, either.

Re-learn how to use the apostrophe, United States citizens, dumbasses. Or as you dumbasses would say, dumbas's.

I saw a married guy tonight who was hustling some clerk at a convenience store. His wife is a slut deluxe. Maybe this couple is having some sort of contest about screwing others. I hope not. Both look like they fell out of the ugly tree and hit every fucking branch on the way down.

I have never met a whigger that I didn't want to beat the everlasting crap out of.

I have no idea what is popular on TV any more. When those hens at work start talking about their shows, I am lost.

My mom is hooked on the Food Network, so every time I'm at her house, I have to watch it. Rachel Ray? I would. Giada De Laurentiis? Not a chance. And all of those queer men cooks? Go. Away.

It's amazing how many kids use their hands to make the signal for the "shocker" and don't know what it means. I shot a lot of pics of elementary kids today, and one of them did it. Fortunately, digital cameras have the delete button.

Sometimes I use Ticketisms on kids. Today I used this one on a loudmouth moron: "You are sucking the life force out of me. Please be quiet." The other kids laughed, and he STFU. Sometimes I tell students that their act has become tiresome. That works, too.

Have you ever noticed that people who know the least, know it the loudest?

I once had a girlfriend who thought it would be funny to gearshift me. It wasn't funny. And neither is motorboating.

Hoob.

You're welcome.