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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an Al Davis Raiders jersey for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Cap Gaywad *
* Dear Cap, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and watching bad football. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat or increase your Laziness.. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus *
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* Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my laziness coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Cap *
* Mr. Gaywad, While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus *
* Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my jersey, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! Go Raiders! *
* Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught, sweats a skinny Oakland Gang Banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza rolls. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Hell I am even contemplating making shit up just to tell Mrs Cap….!!
Chew on that, Petunia. S Claws *
* Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything. Cap Gaywad *
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Myeahp
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I hope this is the first episode in a series featuring multiple posteurs.
