I don't like my mom texting me. it's weird

I like cap's mom texting me.

The best stories always start with "We were trippin' balls".

chocolate mescaline?

Red apples with hook shaped profiles tapering down to really jagged ridges at the bottom are the best bet for crispness.

Bananas are shaped like dicks.

UCLA likes to run the ball, but UT is hard to run against.

Alabama seemed to have just a little success.

The Bannana "Show" in Amsterdam was not worth the 5 Euro....

How was the donkey show?

That would have been worth 5 Euro.

Chopsticks and candy soy sauce packets are included in the Halloween inspired "Gummi Eyeball Sushi" kit on the seasonal candy aisle at Walgreen's.

Eating Long John Silver's chicken planks will cause your butt to turn into Spindletop.

There's is no discernible difference in flavor between Hershey's holiday candies wrapped in different colors of foil.

I call bullsh. The ones wrapped in green taste greener and make your pee pee hard. It's science.

Uh, I believe that's only been scientifically proven with M&Ms.

Do you have to be lying face down to accomplish that?

See Jackass 3D for the answer to this.

When you don't have much to do at work, time seems to go by really slowly.

Sounds like a good time to clean up the file cabinets and file folders in anticipation for 2011!

Everything's electronic these days, old man.

What is this "cab i net" thingy you speak of?

Cab files are compressed

Eating chili for dinner the night before a big meeting is not wise.

wuss

Orientals are good at owning restaurants but seemingly put little thought into creatively naming them.

nor cleaning them

Rolly polly fish heads are never seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women.

Rather than setting the stage for sexy time, superfluos sex scenes more often than not only lead to an uncomfortable movie experience with the spouse.

Nor naming their food... I once ate in a Chinese restaurant with "Chow Yuk" on the menu... did not have the courage to try it even in the drunken stupor I was in. My drunken friends and I laughed for about an hour after we left...

I remember a Chinese restaurant in Pasadena called the Poo Ping Palace. I'd say that's pretty creative.

If you open a Preparation-H Medicated Wipe package in the bathroom stall and leave it there for the next guy to find, you're an asshole.

Because Pepto is so pink you'd think it would lighten the color of feces but in reality darkening of the stool takes place.

Funny you say that as I was on a ski trip once in CO (not sure what that has to do with my story) and overheard some dudes talking and one said he took some pepto chewables or somesuch and it gave him black log.

Pink poop would be fun.

But could cause difficulties seeing the blood on the tp when wiping.

That's not normal?

Eat more crayons.

Eat more Foofa.