I like to read Drew Magary's NFL preview column on Deadspin every week. It's great because he will include a few poop stories. I read this one and had to share:

When I was in college attending the fine Fairfield University in Connecticut (which is a terrible state filled with terrible people), we lived in large cookie-cutter townhouses during our junior and senior years. Our group being accepting and jovial drinkers, we didn't really have a problem with anyone. Except, we lived next to a set of thoroughbred guido neighbors. Orange faces, gold crosses, super spiked hair gel. These guys were born, bred, and raised on the Jersey shore. Needless to say, we hated these guys.

Fast forward to Christmas Vacation. My Canadian roommate and I were enjoying an empty campus and a full bottle of Jager. He couldn't pay for a flight home and I'm an alcoholic. We drank for 10 days straight. The digestive system of a human male simply was never meant to process ramen noodles, pizza, and liters of alcohol over a long period of time. Finally, this crested when we were playing some Xbox, and I announced a shit of epic proportions was coming. I bolted to the bathroom, and I heard my roommate leaving the house. While in the bathroom, I was working up to it, as I could feel a mammoth stampeding toward the exit when there was a knock on the bathroom door. The door then opens and a red cooler slides in, and the door closes. "The guidos left their cooler on the porch. Shit in it".

Three simply words. "Shit. In. It." I have never had more respect for someone.

So I scooted my ass forward and braced myself on the sides of the cooler. I huffed and I puffed, and I heard a loud plop. The smell was horrendous, I couldn't even breathe. I hopped back onto the toilet to clean myself, and I had to put the lid on the cooler or I wasn't going to make it. I opened the door and my roomate was half way across the room telling me how much it reaked.

I dragged the cooler back to the porch, but I just had to take a look, see what papa made. I looked down and there it was. It looked like it came from an elephant. A constipated elephant. Who hadn't shit in weeks. My roomate is now convinced that I have some sort of bowel disorder, because the evidence in the cooler was inhuman.

We waited, and we waited, and it stayed there for a month, then two. Meanwhile I had told everyone I knew, who would stealthily sneak a glimpse of the turdious maximus. But the cooler never moved. Finally, mid-February, the cooler is the middle of the common area, where it was clearly hurled a long distance, broken open, and, now resembling swamp thing, my magnificence had rolled out into the grass, still frozen in ice that had gathered in the cooler. It was now like a poop-ice sculpture, a poopsicle if you will.

Awesome. There isn't much better in this world than shitting on/in someone's stuff.

Xmas morning, we made a pretty raging breakfast featuring pancakes, eggs, and sausage. Good shit, but the wife of course is still on this fiber kick, so the pancakes were made from this Fiber One mix. Kept me kinda gassy throughout the day, but nothing major. Then her parents got her a new waffle maker for Xmas. Naturally, we tried it out the next morning with the same Fiber One mix, and the kids loved it since they're pretty much used to frozen waffles all the time. Again, lots of farting and a nice solid BM followed. The next day the kids want waffles again. After this time, my body had had enough and resultingly I had--count 'em--3 Tyrannosaurus shits yesterday. Meh bowels would begin shaking suddenly before each one and they didn't even give me time to grab reading material before hitting the head. I'd go from relaxed and sedentary to furniture leaping in less than a second. That fiber is some powerful shit.

Thanks for the update...I guess. Since we are sharing bathroom stories, I mastrubated into my in-laws toilet on Christmas morning. Does this make me a bad person?

shouldn't have done that with the Jesus picture hanging up next to the toilet.

The marketing execs of Fiber One really found a niche. As a consumer weighing the options in a crowded shelf of competing brands in the sector of pancake/waffle mix, the choice becomes a no brainer when you get the bonus of being gassy and poopy.

Hey, easy man, they're very proud of their son. He's the first in the family to graduate.

another shit story from Drew Magary's Deadspin NFL column:

I was working for a large insurance company that recently bought a baseball field in Cleveland. While employed there, we had (as most offices do, I'd imagine) communal bathrooms. About six urinals and four stalls each. On a particular Friday, after a late Thursday bender, I felt that unmistakable and irresistible urge to drop some weight. I pinched my asscheeks and walked briskly to the shitter, only to find that three of the four were occupied. I have a slight phobia of shitting in public, but this was no ordinary shit so exceptions had to be made.

I dropped trou and positioned myself accordingly only to let out the fattest, loudest, most liquidy shit ever conceived. It felt like I just had a miscarriage through my ass. I employed the standard courtesy flush... this would prove to be a really fucking bad idea. While seated on the toilet during said flush, I failed to take into consideration the sheer amount of solid/liquid shit that had just been expelled from my bowels. Still seated, and trying to squeeze out that last rabbit-turd, I felt the unmistakable sensation of cold, shitty, piss-ridden toilet water hitting my asscheek.

I jumped about two feet straight off the toilet, grabbed my pants and started to zip/button/cinch/getthefuckouttathere. Much to my dismay, the displacement from my shit/liquidshit combo had raised the water level high enough to flood. The bowl spewed forth a mixture of water, shit, piss and the first wipe paper. Needless to say, I got the fuck outta Dodge as fast as I could. Unfortunately for me, I forgot my security badge (hanging over the TP dispenser) so when maintenance came to clean, they knew exactly who it was. I earned the unfortunate nickname of "Shitstorm" for the rest of my tenure there.

Just another reason I don't like shitting away from the house.

Fuck a bunch of courtesy flushing. I never do that. If you can't handle my stink, then leave. I'm not planting flowers here. I'm shitting. It stinks. It goes with the territory.

Plus, if you wait til you're wiped and zipped up before saying goodbye to your friend, then you don't have to scramble and risk people discovering it was you in the event of a mishap. Sounds like the guy had a legendary dump, but he fucked up his dismount. I give him a 7.

The thing with a courtesy flush is there is always mist from the bowl that sprays you. I would rather you come in and curse my stink while you piss cuz if even if I did courtesy flush, you would still smell the remnants of dook but I would have stink water on my ass. So eff you for going into a bathroom expecting it to smell like a Fresh Cotton candle.

the splash cleans your butt

When I'm at work, I throw my poo paper in the trash can

So I had to break my cardinal rule and blow up the shitter here at work. I saved up a good one, cos now the back of the bowl looks like the wall behind gomer pile from full metal jacket.

(sorry maria!)

I have always been told "If it sink ir stinks, you're not getting enough fiber".

Naturally, I ALWAYS check on my masterpiece before I flush it into Bachman Lake. This rule usually stands up. If I have gorged myself on raisin bran and apples, I will have a greased cigar slide right out of my balloon knot and float in the bowl. If I have been eating nothing but hamburgers and burritos, I will either fill the bowl with sand or I will get the brown eel that is just poking its head out of the cave in the bottom of the commode.

The one I can’t explain is the fallen log type that goes from one side of the bowl to the other, and seems sturdy enough to stand on. Should I break it up with the handle of the plunger to see if it floats, or just go by smell alone?

Neither. Leave it for someone else to deal with.

This is MVP type material right here.

I'm about to install 24 stran of fiber. Should i do single or mulit?

That's above and beyond normal managed services. I'll have to bill you extra. Today would have been even better to play.

My poops have been like smart bombs. They explode a little over the surface and leave shrapnel above the water.

Went to Red, Hot, & Blue for dinner last night. Too much meat and not enough greens. I got an achy pooper today after my third bowel rebellion of the morning. Time for a fiber wafer to help push the rest out.

sometimes the poop from barbeque still smells like barbeque

And it looks like a pulled poop sammich.

A word of advice to you guys out there:

Don't eat a Chipotle burrito at 7:30 at night and then follow it up with a fiber bar afterward. You're only asking for trouble.

Meh pooper = all out of wack. Yesterday was the wife's annual company picnic at Six Flags. The plan was to get there early so we could do a couple things before the heat took over (didn't matter). Due to early departure, I didn't have time for my usual 9am evacuation. Instead, I held it in all day. A free lunch of BBQ brisket and baked beans only made things worse. I expelled noxious gas in every corner of that park. It was so sick, I was gagging myself. I witnessed at least one stranger wincing and promptly vacating the area. Made me happy to be who I am. I eventually had some time to sit and think after we got home, but it was a tough rebellious poop that was sending me a message for making it sit there for so long. Took another this morning and me and the bowels are on better terms for the time being. It may be time for another fiber wafer to show them no hard feelings.

This should cheer you up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2H-SOqb ... r_embedded

That was awesome.

You might try items high in sugar alcohols such as the Russell Stover sugar free peanut butter cups which, in my experience, can really expedite a poop if you get off kilter and need fast relief. Best to eat the whole bag all at once. Granted, you're gonna be in for an intense 30 minutes or so, but it's better than blockage.

Psyllium husks in grapefruit juice ftw

Those are excellent suggestions that I will take into consideration. I believe I am back to normal and hear a knocking at the back door as we speak/type.

I love fiber

I'm as gassy as Uranus today

Facilitating a bm in the Italian food genre has never been easier thanks to whole grain/wheat pastas.

Whole grain pasta doesn't sound right to me. The purpose of pasta is to load up on all those bad carbs.

We use whole grain. The slight loss in taste is made up for in the big gain in health and poops.

I've eaten a bowl of Fiber One every morning this week and I'm now regularly pooping twice a day. Second poop of the day isn't so much poop, but a pause for echoing a series of long, guttural streams of gas into the bowl. It's loose, dangerous gas that could come with a surprise so you can't release during a regular walkabout. I thought about adding a bit of fiber bar to my lunches, but I think I'm covered.

I have recently discovered that sweet potatoes are fantastic in assisting a timely poop.

Been eating Fiber One cereal damn near every morning for the past couple months and I think my body is beginning to rebel. The cereal works its best magic in the early afternoon during post-lunch processing. Gas embarrassingly rumbles thru my bowels as I sit at my desk working. It forces itself out with such great force that it's difficult to muffle into the chair. Afternoon meetings are terrible as I have to hold it off, and it sometimes makes other noises as it angrily travels back up the pipes before regrouping for another attempt at expulsion. It wears me out. It might be time to switch to something more simple like a piece of toast with a glass of juice.

I ate a club salad last night from Jack in the box and as a result took a 45 minute poop this morning. My god, I thought the lava flow would never cease.

Tired of horrid afternoon gas, I quit the Fiber One in the morning a couple months ago. This morning I started back up with it and I'm already regretting it due its vulgar reaction with today's lunch. I've already pooped twice today and now I just muffled an off-the-charts rank fart into my chair. It's a good thing I liked being unclogged. I wouldn't tolerate this otherwise.

I bet you are making some kick ass farts.

I made myself gag about 5 minutes ago.