Picked up a science textbook today that some dirtbag had thrown on the sidewalk outside of school. Opened it up to see whose name was written in it.

The last user was Cameron Diaz. Condition when received was "horny." Condition returned was "taken care of."

I put the book back on the sidewalk and walked off, then wiped my hands on my pants.

CPS was just about to swarm on your location like so much swat team... good thing you put it back.

Everywhere I go, I'm seeing discarded shoes of variable makes and sizes on the road against the curb as I drive by. It's always a single shoe, and it's becoming an epidemic.

What kind of heel litters with so little regard?

We should've treated this post with a little more concern.

It's a real loafer who can't be bothered to find a trash can.

Stripper types have no soul.

It's getting harder to keep instep with these puns.

I don't mean to break up the fest, but I've always been fascinated by the pair of tennis shoes tied together and thrown over an overhead power line.

That may have been the dumbest KIOT ever.

There ain't shit on the Internet right now.

I'm about to go eat. Dunch anyone?

I don't know what the difference is but stromboli > calzone.

I think the main difference is stromboli has sauce inside and calzone has it one the side for dipping. Otherwise, they're both just rolled up pizzas. They're real easy to make at home. Both are delicious.

i thought stromboli's had riccota cheese and calzone has marzzrella.

That's possible. You can probably argue this like you can with chili.

On a grosser note, the boss occasionally bitches about how his wife makes lasagna with cottage cheese instead of ricotta. She's been corrected, but insists it doesn't matter. This makes her a dumb cunt, but don't tell him I said that.

My mother in law makes lasagna with cottage cheese. Gross- makes it soupy.

Stoufer's > cottage cheese lasagna

I had an eggplant parmesan microwave entree from Cedar Lane at lunch. Pretty good but I did add cheese, pepper flakes, and olive oil to it.

Who you callin' eggplant?

Nothing wrong with Stouffer's lasagna. I am currently eating some. Cottage cheese in lasagna sounds disgusting.

My implication my have been too harsh. Stouffer's is perfectly fine if you don't feel like making it from scratch.

some africans

Sounds more Italian like to say moolie.

Best Buy must recruit for managers at fucking special olympics matches. Here's a tip: when someone tells you that the refrigerator they bought 6 weeks ago has stopped working and you respond with "you're outta luck because you didn't get the lifetime warranty" only to later say that it's covered by the manufacturer, don't be surprised when profanity is flung your way.

best buy sales associates are the most clueless bitches of any electronic store. I don't even bother asking them questions. I just point to what I want and tell them to take it out to my truck.

Remember, you went to Sam Houston..

There is nothing more satisfying than capping off a days worth of Christmas celebrating with a really healthy dump. I held mine off until after 7 tonight and it was glorious. It was fueled by sausage and egg breakfast casserole, a massive ham and brisket lunch, and 4 large travel mugs of apple cider. I was in the john for 30 minutes.

Season's Greetings from the Captain.

Speaking of Christmas poops, I was about 8 feet and a fence away from witnessing a mountain lion rock a deuce this afternoon at the Fort Worth zoo. Surprisingly, the stools were quite similar in size and appearance to those of a labrador retriever. I'd have figured more of a moundish pile from a nice sized member of the cat family.

Great day to go to the zoo. Hardly anyone there. Might become a tradition. The big cats are probably my favorites but those reptile rooms and primate areas are always kick ass.

Twist: the elephants, hippos, and rhinos were inside and not available today.

Are you a night dumper? I've trained myself to release solid waste first thing in the morning. This allows me to shower and be worry free the rest of the day. Funny how coffee helps acts a lubricant on your intestinal walls to help the fecal that is stuck in some tight crevice find its way out.

I am more of a classically trained a.m. pooper because my bread and butter bms are in the morning but some lunch and dinner selections can trigger deviations to the schedule. Regardless of the time of day, I welcome all poops with open butt cheeks and a merry heart for they bring me joy.

I do for the same reasons plus I have a phobia about pooping away from home.

Speaking of pooping, I discovered something today. We had to run some errands today and I didn't feel like jumping in the shower. I was taking a dump in the bathroom where we are potty training our little one and there were some wet-wipes or whatever you call them in the bathroom. I could tell I had stink left nut so I pulled one out and gave the Terd scrote/taint and couple of passes with it. WOW! I felt so refreshed and less stinky. It was like a 10 second shower. Dr. Laura would have been proud, I was able to take on the day.

On another note, the family went out to spend some of the hard-earned cash the wife's grandparents worked all their life for so we went to Home Goods. I don't like shopping or going to malls but I couldn't get out of this one. I figured since I was going to be out might as well make the best of it. I figured there would be a ton of hot milfs wearing their new clothes that cling to their supple buttocks or some new shirts that would show how pendulous their boobs were. But no. Today apparently was ugly-ass Monday. I wasn't sure if they are only allowed to come out on the day after Christmas or if it was a coincidence but there was nary a hot to be found. I was so disappointed. I did see a semi-hot walk into the bathroom which got me to thinking that in just a few seconds she was going to be touching her privates but she was in there for quite a while so I imagine some dook fell out of her which ruined the whole thing.

^^^^^^^

I've worn contacts for 32 years. For the first time I'm experiencing a tiny piece of a lens stuck up in my eyelid and can't get the sumbitch out. I have no idea how it happened. My next tactic is to hope it washes out in my sleep. It's about half the size of a pencil eraser.

This contact itself is 4 days old and it is the kind that is replaced every 2 weeks. My eye is sore from picking at it so much and washing it out. Tomorrow morning I'll try flipping my eyelid inside out. After that, I'm going to the doctor.

This sucks.

I think I got rid of it. Whew.

I've lost a few like that. It's a suck unlike any other. I've never been one to change disposible contacts on time either. I'll stretch a 2 week set 3-6 months.

I wore contacts from my teens to my early 20s. I never got used to them. My eyes were always irritated. By the time I was 24 I quit them like I quit cigs and I never regretted a day.

Who is working this week? Not me, bitches