I missed it.

Staubach moment

Nice try, little buddy.

Hi Gam, was your morning poo fruitful? Good talk pal... good talk.

We had our Christmas party last Friday here at work. I always take the day off for this party because it's also a talent show and some of these co-workers are embarrassingly untalented. They also give away some pretty nice door prizes, but it's depressing because about 90% of the workforce goes home empty-handed and sad. So I took the day off along with Mrs Tit and we went and did all of our Christmas shopping. Around 2pm that day, I got a text from one of my buddies here saying I won something. Today I find out I won two tickets on American Airlines to anyplace I wanna go in the continental US and Hawaii. I won AND I didn't have to sit thru such scintillating acts like the mechanical engineer who sang "I'm a CAD-boy" to that old Bon Jovi tune or the secretary who rapped about her Rudolph nose to "Baby Got Back". I would've been cool with just missing the shit show, but the tickets were like icing, yo. #winning

you should use them to go to the riverwalk

Are they round trip? This will affect how much you pack.

My wife's office Christmas party was this weekend. I had to go. I also had to wear a suit. We did not win anything. A lot of her coworkers are muy calienate. Some of them were in costumes as their was a disco theme which seemed odd for a holiday party. We ate before we went. Thank goodness. The food looked yucky.

Ours is this Thursday. Anyone who can play an instrument or sing is expected to do so. For that reason, I have never attended and I never will. I just want to eat and relax, not work up a song and perform.

Anybody who presses me on it gets double-birded.

I enjoy ours. We setup the nativity scene in front of town hall, have a moment of silence (because of the libs) and sing gospel songs till dusk.

This Christmas, we're all gonna pitch in to buy you a new bit.

Dr: Do you look at your stool when you wipe?
Me: I'm sorry hhhWhat?
Dr: your getting to the age that you need to keep an eye on your stool. You know for blood, different color etc..
Me: Thanks for bringing the room down Doc.

The <insert network name here> vs. Dish Network battles are getting really old. It's always a network that I don't give a shit about. They are fighting Fox now, a few weeks ago it was CBS.

I tried to go with Direct TV when I moved here, but they totally fucked it up and I just had to move my Dish account out here.

Today, in my spam mail folder at work was this gem of a subject line:

ONLY LOSERS HAVE TINY WEENERS - STOP BEING A LOSER..

This afternoon I saw some people putting fireworks in the stand that is about a mile from meh house.

It's colder than shit and they don't wanna be out there, but by law they can't sell after today. So I guess they have no choice.

Mundane. Shit.

The 40th annual list of words that need to get the fuck out of here:

1. Bae
2. Polar vortex
3. Hack
4. Skill set
5. Swag
6. Foodie
7. Curate/curated
8. Friend-raising
9. Cra-cra
10. Enhanced interrogation
11. Takeaway
12. -Nation

I agree with all of these. I had to explain "bae" to a parent the other day. She said it was stoopie and needed to go away.

Bag tax was enforced yesterday at the following places: Sprouts, Trader Joes, Tom Thumb. Folks, they're serious about this. How many grocery store stops does it take to supply your family with its weekly needs?

Is it per bag or a flat fee? If per bag do you get charged double for double bagging? Can I get paper for free?

I rarely even see paper bags in stores anymore. but then again i can't afford to shop at those fancy mercantile places.

What a world.

I have started teaching high school. There are a lot of kids named Reagan.

More importantly, do you carry a gun with you everyday?

what subject?

Do you like your gig?

I do not carry a gun.

Algebra II.

Yes.

Junior is on at 7:00 pm for some reason. This might be good.

I listened to 2 segments of it. Junior was funny, but the callers were awful.

Did you call in? I must have checked out before that.

When I was a kid all of our family vacations were tent camping excursions, usually in Arkansas. My mom face planted like a mug off a rope swing over one of the clear streams that weaved through either Albert Pike or Shady Lake Nat'l Park, I can't remember which one. I'm not sure what went wrong on her swing towards the deep side of the creek where she was supposed to land, but immediately after her launch the next thing you heard was impact, the sound of her blood curdling screams, and her knees slicing through the shallow, tranquil waters and ricocheting across the rocky bottom. There was never a point of elevation over the water. When she finally let go of the rope after being drug about 20ft, a pink roller, loosened by the impact, dangled in front of her bulging eyes. Face down and doggy style in the creek, she cried. We at once pointed and laughed. I saw this video this morning and it made me remember. it'll be a gif soon, I guess, but it'll lose some of its power without the audio.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfyrOlihhjo

I like how a guy gently says, "fuck" when she hits.

She deserved it for wearing a 2-piece.

The chick behind her in line looks pretty doable though.

Is that a midget right at the end?

It's not too late to get sick. And it sucks.

But it doesn't suck as much as health insurance for the dumbasses who are in education in Texas. Wow.

Please donate to keep hoob up and running.

While there's time.

I trimmed my toenails this morning.

At lunch I went through a car wash. I felt like the people behind me were poised and ready to lol at me if I was unable to accurately and quickly react to the hand signals of the car wash worker tasked with guiding my front left wheel in between the rails. It was very tense there for a bit.

Chicken E's liver dinner turns me into a volcano. I am still burning around the edges, and it has been 30 minutes since I erupted.

I prefer the gizzard to the liver but the gizzard must be well cooked.