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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:55 am 
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And the air became redolent with the pungent odor of soldering, as the excitement in her lady part glands slowly heated the ricotta flux within her, mottling her Prevail protective briefs.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 8:57 pm 
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jim jack wrote:
However, for the first time ever, I have some sort of sinus issue according to my doctor. Uh-oh.


A certain woman friend has a full-blown sinus infection now. And mine is not getting better. It sucks to have to wait for it to get infected first.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:23 pm 
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jim jack wrote:
jim jack wrote:
However, for the first time ever, I have some sort of sinus issue according to my doctor. Uh-oh.


A certain woman friend has a full-blown sinus infection now. And mine is not getting better. It sucks to have to wait for it to get infected first.

And the waiting game to either bang or mourn

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:25 pm 
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jim jack wrote:

Where does this end? In my sixties? Seventies? Are the aides at some nursing home going to be peeking to see if Hoob gets lucky again?


I don't know about the rest of you, but your Unca Ich is having the sex until the arthritis prevents me from properly swinging the Hot Wheels track! :twisted:

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 12:00 am 
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Ichabod wrote:
jim jack wrote:

Where does this end? In my sixties? Seventies? Are the aides at some nursing home going to be peeking to see if Hoob gets lucky again?


I don't know about the rest of you, but your Unca Ich is having the sex until the arthritis prevents me from properly swinging the Hot Wheels track! :twisted:


That is what I want to hear right there. :twisted:


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2013 9:45 am 
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I be ok becoming the sexually dormant old dude who becomes obsessed with bm pleasures.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 11:11 pm 
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jim jack wrote:
Getting closer to my awful goal. What if I meet it before January 31?


Make it January 26. I guess I need to look at my other resolutions and work on them now.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2013 12:57 am 
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Old people sex. Not that bad.

However, I do worry about cashing in my chips during that sort of thing. Hell, actually, I worry about kicking the bucket while taking a dump. At work.

Can you imagine those fucking kids telling the story? Hey, Jamaal, did you hear about Mister Hoob? He died while taking a crap in the teacher's restroom. Sheeeeeet, Tyrone. Why diidn't he just crap in his Depends like he usually does?

I would come back and haunt those motherfuckers for that.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 2:50 am 
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Being sick sucks. I have gone a couple of years without getting a cold, but I motherfucking made up for it in the past week. Have been sicker than a mo-fo. Only missed one day, could have sat out the entire week. Have coughed up a lung and a half.

This week a P-1 guy at work and I have been talking in the Corby female voice when he mocks the Kardashians, or as he did this week, Anne Hathaway. The students just look at us and think we are stupid fags. Every sentence begins with, "Well...." and and they usually end with ".....Mike."

I rarely talk about sports when I'm drunk, but I'll make an exception tonight. What in the fuck is the fascination with Sean Lee? I laughed when at a family gathering recently, I asked my brother who the most overrated Cowboy was, and he immediately said, "Sean Lee." The bruthuh who gripes about us rooting for the white player has to be driven crazy about this guy. He gets hurt more than any player I have ever seen.

The Hoobstess and I had a discussion about our mortality tonight. You never know when it might be our time. The way we groped and clawed one another tonight, it could happen any time now. The mortician would have no chance of wiping that smile off of my face. My students would be at the funeral and think, "Well at least Mister Hoob died happy."

It's a matter of time before Mallard starts a topic called Old Folks Home Sex.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:37 am 
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She wears a combination of body washes. The smell is exotic. I came like a wildcat.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 19, 2013 12:09 am 
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Oh, wow.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:22 am 
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A co-worker got fired this week. Texting girl students. Dumbass. I have never understood people like this. Ya think they're cute? Go jack off in the shower while thinking about them. Don't throw away your career over them, dumbass. Or maybe I'm the dumbass. I don't even think they are cute. Their moms on the other hand, are in grave danger. From me.

Speaking of dumbasses, I met the Hoobstress at a park yesterday. We made out like banshees, then screwed like snakes. All while my headlights were on. Consider the possibilities of what could have happened here. Fortunately, nobody tapped on the window to let me know that I had forgotten this little detail. I had jumper cables handy, so the Hoob Sex Machine started back up. Not sure why I thought that doing this at a city park was a good idea in the first place. Maybe when I get old I'll stop doing dumb stuff like this.

When it was apparent that I was about to become an adulterer, I decided to do something about my massive back hair. I mean, I looked like a fucking yeti. It took a week of practice with a razor in the shower, but I finally got it all off just in time for my first roll in the hay with a woman. I used a clipper to trim down the rest of it: chest, arms, pubes. A more recent suitor commented on my short hair down there. She had never seen a man who did that, and it was surprising to her and she liked it.

Another woman had never heard of the idea of trimming herself. I suggested a pron site for reference. A week later, when I got her pants off, she had a perfect landing strip. See, I really do teach people stuff.

I am an educator. I am Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 7:03 am 
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:goldstar:


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:23 am 
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You're doing God's work, Hoob.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 11:11 pm 
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Nookie, nookie, nookie.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 28, 2013 12:58 am 
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I don't understand how substitute teachers do it. I feel so sorry for them. I have seen so much stuff from kids this week. If I was their sub, I would have committed who knows what type of bodily harm to their assholes.

I am getting to the age to where several schoolmates are starting to kick the bucket. Strokes. Heart attacks. In most cases, these were people who ate a lot of junk food, drank a lot, and hung out on various messages boards. Uh-oh.

I have been trying to avoid my first adulteress because of the emotions that it would cause within me, but I knew that I would see her eventually because I teach her kids. On one night the previous week, it happened. She had volunteered to help at a school event and I had to help with tech stuff. She is not nearly as cute as my current gal, but she still had certain, uh, qualities that I liked.

It just reminded me that pussy is undefeated and untied.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:09 pm 
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I have this problem. I have rats in my back yard. I can't use the grill now, and I can't use the patio furniture unless I clean off all of the turds. I put poison out back and they clean it all out in one MFing night. Because of government regulations, the bait that I used to get rid of them a couple of years ago is no longer on the market. Oh, no. We can't be in the business of killing rats. Thanks, Uncle Sam, dumbass.

Before anyone starts railing on the Obama bunch for their role in this sort of thing, tap the brakes. The previous two Republican admins are nearly as bad. And fuck politics.

So anyway, my mom insists on me buying some Coke and putting it out there. You know the urban legend. If a rat drinks it, they will explode because they can't burp. I can't believe I just went and bought some Coke and put it out there. I am a dumbass.

Time to change the subject. I was thinking about getting a card for someone I hate and sending it anonymously. Happened upon mystupidbitch.com. Oh, my. NSFW.

Father's Day is depressing. After marrying, the spouse notified me that no kids would be had. To ensure that, very little sex would be had, either. I got the last laugh on that one. Including this afternoon. And it was glorious.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:56 am 
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My blood runs cold when I see rats. Those little sons of bitches give me the heebie jeebies.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 27, 2013 11:30 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

I last drank on June 16? That was 11 days ago. Time to step things up.

Too much political crap this week. It's not even election time. Make it stop.

A long time ago, I had a bad experience with people in a fishing tournament. I was fishing from the shore of a lake and some douche in a boat "ordered" me to leave because there was a tournament going on. I told him that I hoped that he loses and I went to a different bank to fish. I caught several nice bass after I moved. Fucker. Unrelated to that incident, I took a dump on the bank of the lake, too.

A couple of months ago, I had another incident. This time it was a guy who was supposed to check out of his motel room by a certain time and thought he could stay an extra 2 1/2 hours because that's when his fishing tournament started. So, I open the door in the no smoking, no pets room and smoke billows out and a dog barks at me. He was wearing this ridiculous fishing shirt with a bunch of fishing gear patches on it. His wife was one of the ugliest women I ever laid eyes on. I left wondering 1) if I was ever gonna get laid, and, 2) what the fuck was a dog doing in a fishing tournament?

Since I hate 95 percent of all guests on the Ticket, I really hate the GBL and it is an instant punch-out.

I wonder if the Hammer used drugs when he was on WBAP. When he subbed for Galloway on Wednesdays, he was wild-ass and out of control then. Since he lies so much, we may never know.

Exactly one year ago today, I took my first Viagra. Great success. :weenie:

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 9:11 am 
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So you work security for a motel now?


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 02, 2013 10:52 pm 
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I was renting a room for the afternoon.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2013 10:41 am 
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jim jack wrote:
I was renting a room for the afternoon.


I see where you are going with this. high five!


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Aug 04, 2013 11:21 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

While mowing today, I thought about what a sorry athlete I was in school. I loved sports but was too small and wasn't that coordinated. Baseball was my favorite sport, and it was my worst sport. In three years in Little League, I never got a hit and never made a putout. I was an all-star in practice, but couldn't do anything in a game. My parents quit going to the games because they were ashamed of me. Back then, there were no rules that said that everybody had to play, so I would go two or three games in a row where I wouldn't see action.

They did attend one game when I was in the fourth grade, and I got to play. I worked a walk and took second on a wild pitch. The next kid hit a single, and I was waved home. However, the ball was thrown to the catcher in plenty of time and I was a dead duck. I slid, feet-first, to miss the tag, but I was wearing fucking football/soccer cleats. My feet got caught in the hard ground and I popped up and knocked the everloving shit out of the poor catcher, jarring the ball loose. It hurt like hell, but my teammates congratulated me like I had hit a home run. More importantly, my dad was proud of me for a day.


Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 8:09 am 
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Can't wait for the imminent TG philosophical post.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 9:20 am 
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:babyarm: it did strike a chord with me


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 11:40 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

It's cool to say that Vin Scully is great. It reflects that you are knowledgeable about baseball. Let me tell you something: he was great for the first 40 years he was behind the mic. But he sucks now. Badly. There, I said it. Hearing him call a Dodger home run sounds like some old goat sitting on the dead peckers' benches at the rest home doing play by play. He doesn't have to sound like an extreme homer or anything, but he shouldn't sound like he is calling a home run from the afterlife, either.

The TV show "Maude" is generally looked upon as a good thing. It broke ground. Bea Arthur was cool. Adrienne Barbeau had big tits. Let me tell you something: that show blew goats. Just because it's cool to like a show doesn't mean the show was good. It sucked. Her main punchline was, "God's gonna get you for that, Walter." It's all the writers could think of, and it got old in a hurry.

Can you help me move next weekend? You can't help me? Okay, then. I'll find you and fuck you up real good.

*Hoob's note: I got her punchline wrong and redid it.*


Last edited by jim jack on Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Sep 16, 2013 8:07 am 
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I miss Arthur, too. :(

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:50 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Seeing the sunset this evening made me think of how difficult things were for me at this time last year. A couple of friends were invaluable in dragging me out of my mess. I am so much better now.

The other day I was watching a hand job video and I became aware of the goofy synthpop music in the background. I got to thinking, gee, somewhere in this world there's a guy who walks around a Piggly Wiggly, knowing that he laid down the music tracks for a hand job vid. Not everyone can say that.

I am de-sensitized to porn and aren't interested in it. Women and sex are still very interesting, but porn vids aren't. Long ago, I was looking at Victoria's Secret magazines and thinking I was jacking it to a woman who was right there with me.

Out of all of my friends who have had the lap band/thumb stomach surgery, 3/4 of them got fat again. Many of them suffered through the process. One may die because of it, and he is only in his mid-40s.

Went to church today. The sermon was about David and Bathsheba. Owwwwwwww.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:07 am 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Let's review my 2013 New Year's resolutions and see how those went:

1. Go back to being Hoob.
For the most part, that happened. The sad 2012 version is long gone.

2. Become a workout fiend again. I didn't intend to do this in the spring of 2012, but I did. It was wonderful.
Fail.

3. Get back on the bike. Easier said than done. I look at my bike nowadays and just think, not today, Hoob. That has been going on for months.
Did better, but wasn't good enough. I did finish with more confidence than ever, though. Probably get a C on this one.

4. Be a counselor to people who need it. Certain friends did this for me. I need to do that for someone in 2013.
Incomplete. Didn't have opportunities. Really, this was a stupid resolution.

5. Have an affair with a woman, fucking up my life again.
Did, and am doing.

And now, for 2014:

1. Lose some weight. I am 20 pounds over what I weighed this time last year. I look horrible.
2. Find a way to stop eating bad foods. If someone gives me some dessert, throw it away unopened.
3. Do a better job on home improvement crap.
4. Learn how to say "no" more at work. It is a common criticism from my supervisors. "Hoob, this wouldn't happen if you were more of a horse's ass. Hoob! Stop looking at my tits."
5. Be a better cook.
6. Have more sex.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2014 11:40 pm 
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Tonight I was reminded of this axiom:

No matter how good she looks to you, somewhere, some guy is sick of putting up with her shit.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2014 10:59 pm 
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A novel by Hoob.

When I was in college I worked at a small grocery store in the meat market. In the back room we had a water heater with a garden hose attached, and there was a high pressure nozzle on it. Its purpose was to clean the equipment in the meat market.

Next to the water heater was a very dirty window that faced the alley behind the store, and the window had a baseball-sized hole in it. We quickly learned that we could squirt things through the hole in the window as far as 15 yards away.

Our method of disposing of boxes was to put them in a fenced-in area out back. Community members knew that if they needed a box, to drive around the back and have at it. Unfortunately for them, this area was in range of the sprayer that I mentioned earlier. A one second blast of water would find its target, and the poor victim would have no idea where it came from. So many times, people would look up at the sky after getting hit. Hoob squirted dozens of people in the three years I worked there. Employees all knew not to walk in a straight line to throw away boxes or they'd get it, too.

One day I looked out back and saw the Jones kids playing in the boxes. These kids were the most obnoxious pricks ever to walk on God's green earth. Of course I squirted them. You haven't lived until you have heard a 7 year old yell, "Stop it, motherfuckers!"

One busy Saturday, we were out of milk. The driver, a fat obnoxious slob, was sitting in the parking lot, having a conversation with the produce driver and wouldn't pull up to unload. Customers were getting pissed off and so were we. An hour later, he finally pulled in, and even the old ladies running the registers expected me to squirt him. I shot him in the crack of his ass as he was going down with his lift. Obviously pissed off by this, he looked around the back of the store but couldn't figure out where it came from.

The next Saturday I got him again when he wasn't looking. This time, he stomped into the back room expecting to kick someone's ass. A stock girl was back there, sorting bottles. He glared at her, figured that she was too dumb for that sort of thing, and then left.

The next Saturday, the poor bastard never took his eyes off of the back of the store. He unloaded the entire shipment and never looked down at it. We were in tears from laughing at the sight, and we figured that we had no chance of squirting him. We were wrong. After he finished, a stockboy locked the back door. The guy was sitting in his truck, about to leave, thinking he was out of danger. Unfortunately, he had the passenger side window down on his truck and he was in the line of fire. As he was taking a swig of coffee, I squirted him through the open window, right square in his fat face. He jumped out and tried to get in the back door, but it was locked.

To this date, it is the hardest I have ever laughed in my life. The store owner walked back there and said, "Don't come crying to me when you get your ass kicked."


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:22 am 
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"Splendid....joyful in its language, creative in its narration, and affecting in its story, I found hoob's novella post to be captivating, compelling, and thoroughly entertaining."

~trained goucho, removerowdy


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:32 am 
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"Compelling narrative, but needs more titties."

-Tit Whistle, The Internet


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:37 pm 
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" :dead: "

-Roger Ebert


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Mar 02, 2014 6:00 pm 
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"Banana."

- Kirk Cameron

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 11:15 am 
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hoob, do you give partial credit to smartass kid test answers? I would


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:30 pm 
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The duck one made me laugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2014 10:12 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

Why do we have to visit our parents on holidays? Really, I hate it.

I have had numerous holidays ruined by me spending time cleaning viruses off of my parents' computers. Even though I told them numerous times why it was happening, they didn't stop their stupid-ass behavior because they had their son to bail them out. My dad's is because of porn, my mom is because of screen savers and coupons. I stood up to my dad years ago about it, and I did it to my mom this past Christmas. Today I viewed her computer and it was totally fucked up. And I just left it that way.

Dumb asses. Get a Mac, or get Ubuntu, or stop being a dumbass. Those are your choices.

Being old, poor, and married, I figured that adultery would be difficult. It's just one more thing I have been wrong about. I can't believe how creative I can be. I wasn't like this when I was a horny teenager.

I have no idea why I am so obsessed with the Angels losing. But really, I hate those sonofabitches. And they lost today.

I am Hoob, and I ain't said shit.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2014 10:26 pm 
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Being sick sucks. Getting a cold in this weather sucks. It has screwed up all sorts of activites and plans, many of them perverted and distorted.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2014 11:05 pm 
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Went to a convenience store tonight, saw two strangers nearly fight at the checkout line because one was a moron. I really hate people that pick fights. It's why I carry. If they had fought, I would not have drawn.

My boss is on vacation. All of a sudden, I am getting all sorts of stuff done, and things are running smoothly now. I am in a good mood as a result.

I am not teaching this year. When I did teach, I made those poor fuckers work until the last day. When I walk over to Hoob High School nowadays, I never ever see kids doing actual work in class. Ever. So, how does one take grades if you don't do shit?

I am starting to run into people who try to fix me up with women. Today someone showed me a picture of her daughter, who is a lot younger than me. She is ok, but I don't like psychos. Last week it was another person with a relative that made my pecker retreat. And in the most odd twist, one person wants to fix me up with the woman that started me on the path of adultery in the first place. What do I say to that? Should I show her the boob shot that she sent me a couple of years ago? It's still on my phone as a reminder.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:28 am 
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Look alive, bitches. It's showtime. Actually, I don't have anything to say here. So go piss up a rope. And if you are female, I've got to see you try that.

From the department of things that don't matter: the brothers from the rock group Bachman Turner Overdrive pronounce their name as Backman. I remember laughing at an announcer on a K-Tel album pronouncing it "Backman" back in the 70s. In an interview with Dick Clark, Randy Bachman explained that north of the border, it's Backman, and in the US, it is Bochman. And he is fine with that. There is even a film clip of him saying, "I'm Randy Bochman."

A few days ago, I was on my way to see the Hoobstress. But there was a problem. I was stuck behind an old fucker, even older than me. Which meant me must have been about 100. He was driving really slow, and because of his oldassery, I was hitting every traffic light just as they turned red.

Worried that the Viagra would wear off before I could get to her, I decided to pass his ass in any way possible. I just may have gone straight through a left-turn only lane. While the light was turning red. While a cop saw the whole thing. Does the Texas Hammer fight tickets?

I have been hesitant to curse in my office because my boss was a godly man for the most part. He is gone now, and I am the boss. However, my underling is a former preacher of a really conservative church. He reads the Bible on break while I'm sweating out last night's drunk. I wonder what this poor fellow would think if he knew about my romps with certain moms in the community.

I wonder if he would be interested in pictures.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:58 pm 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

I moved last weekend and none of you helped me. I am going to fuck you all up really good for that.

The wife wants the house back (and I don't) and a settlement was made, so I am back in the middle of nowhere. I love it.

Because I am out in the sticks, there has been no Internet access until today. Dishnet Internet sucks, but it is quite a bit better than no Internet. It appears they are using a satellite owned by Hughesnet, which means their Internet sucks extra long black transvestite strapon dongs. But I can post here now.

For the first time ever, I turned my phone off at work today so the dummards of the world couldn't reach out to me.

Really, I have been pretty damned cruel to end users this week. And bosses. And vendors. And clients. And just about anybody else who is breathing.

But I love you. In a platonic sort of way.

Hoob.


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