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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:38 pm 
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jim jack wrote:
<rhyner>Grandpa bought a rubber.</rhyner>

Because the Hoobstress is afraid that she is still fertile but can't take the pill, I spend a little bit of money on Trojans. I usually get them at the local Walmart, and that is what I did a couple of weeks ago along with groceries and various other things.

After I put my purchases on the conveyor belt, I noticed that the cashier was a mom who had kids at my school. Fairly hot, too. She recognized me and actually started carrying on a conversation even though she was dealing with the customer in front of me. Really friendly and bubbly. When she started scanning my purchases, things changed suddenly, and her conversation dropped off in the biggest of ways. Oh, no. Our dear Mister Hoob is having SEX. For me, suppressing laughter was quite difficult.

When her ability to speak suddenly went away, I took the lead in our conversation and was pushy about it, asking questions about work, how her kids liked school this year, and stuff like that. I am such a stinker.


When I was back in college, I stopped in at a Walgreens near campus. For whatever reason the condoms were on a shelf behind the cashier. I placed a 6 pack of beer on the counter and then asked the sorority girl behind the register for a 12 pack of Trojans. She gave me a look of disgust and in a haughty voice said "WHAT!" I calmly looked at her and said, "12 pack of Trojans... Condoms, you know, you use them to fuck with." :twisted:

She grabbed the box, placed it on the counter with the beer and completed the rest of the transaction in total silence with no eye contact. :D Ichabod wins!

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:43 pm 
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I just love how I met my wife stories.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2015 8:58 pm 
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Ichabod wrote:
jim jack wrote:
<rhyner>Grandpa bought a rubber.</rhyner>

Because the Hoobstress is afraid that she is still fertile but can't take the pill, I spend a little bit of money on Trojans. I usually get them at the local Walmart, and that is what I did a couple of weeks ago along with groceries and various other things.

After I put my purchases on the conveyor belt, I noticed that the cashier was a mom who had kids at my school. Fairly hot, too. She recognized me and actually started carrying on a conversation even though she was dealing with the customer in front of me. Really friendly and bubbly. When she started scanning my purchases, things changed suddenly, and her conversation dropped off in the biggest of ways. Oh, no. Our dear Mister Hoob is having SEX. For me, suppressing laughter was quite difficult.

When her ability to speak suddenly went away, I took the lead in our conversation and was pushy about it, asking questions about work, how her kids liked school this year, and stuff like that. I am such a stinker.


When I was back in college, I stopped in at a Walgreens near campus. For whatever reason the condoms were on a shelf behind the cashier. I placed a 6 pack of beer on the counter and then asked the sorority girl behind the register for a 12 pack of Trojans. She gave me a look of disgust and in a haughty voice said "WHAT!" I calmly looked at her and said, "12 pack of Trojans... Condoms, you know, you use them to fuck with." :twisted:

She grabbed the box, placed it on the counter with the beer and completed the rest of the transaction in total silence with no eye contact. :D Ichabod wins!


So awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2016 1:25 am 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

I sometimes mention that I cover high school games for random newspapers. This has been a really good year because I am finally getting the hang of it after all of these years. Because I am a cheapass, I use an $850 camera for my fun. My brand has a top-level model. I looked up the price of the older version of it and thought that maybe I would buy it and be kinda cool. It was $6250. Fuuuuuuuuuuck that.

Thinking about the old VigorFit commercials with Greggo, I remember an ingredient called Yohimbde bark, which he pronounced yohimidee bark. I looked it up tonight and discovered that it made one's blood pressure go sky high. Not sure if being able to get it up an extra time is worth all of that.

I've only taken one recreational drug in my life: Viagra. Wanna impress someone new with your ability to be the energizer bunny? There's the answer. I can picture a headboard hitting the wall and that announcer's voice in the commercials saying, "Still going." That stuff is awesome.

I liked Prince during his time. I fondly associate his music with dancing awkwardly with random hotties in clubs in the eighties. Him dying at my age was a shame. But days and days of people going on about his dying is just stupid. If you tell me that you are sad about a musician dying, you are a lying bastard. I really love Fats Domino, but I'm not going to give two shits about him when he dies. I just hope I have him in the Celebrity Death Pool for a change.

Last weekend at Walmart, I encountered the woman who rang up my condoms a few months ago and acted so strange about it. When I saw her last weekend, she was bubbly and friendly to old Hoob. It was heart-warming, among other things. I wonder.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2016 10:25 pm 
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The Hoob love shack has 1 by 10 boards for a ceiling, which is about 15 feet high. The boards are varnished and it looks ok. Because of imperfections and settling, there are some cracks between those boards.

At about 5:45 Tuesday morning, a scorpion crawled all the way up on of the walls and fell through one of those cracks, landing squarely on the back of Sleeping Hoob's neck. It struggled to get upright and I only got a partial sting. Talk about cussing a blue streak.

A few weeks ago I bought something called Cy-Kick CS but never applied it. Today I sprayed it liberally around the interior and exterior of the house. I also went and bought some weather stripping and cut it into narrow strips and put it between the cracks, maybe preventing this from happening again.

I really like living out here, but that's twice those fuckers have ended up in my bed. Hope I can sleep tonight.

Hopefully I won't cocksack this post like I did the one a couple of days ago.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 11:26 am 
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I'd never be able to fall asleep again. Maybe you could put up a mosquito net?


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 1:02 pm 
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It may be nice out there in the country, but things like that don't happen during Big City Nights.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 1:49 pm 
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I'd Blackout if that happened to me.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 4:18 pm 
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Well, that would just be Dynamite.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 10:37 pm 
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fruitdog wrote:
I'd never be able to fall asleep again. Maybe you could put up a mosquito net?


I was thinking about nailing a tarp to the ceiling.

And good job on the Scorpions references. After all of these years, this forum still delivers.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:32 pm 
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When my father built his house in the sticks they had to contend with scorpions for years. SOP is shake out your clothes before putting them on, esp shoes. Somehow I'm the only person who has lived in the house to not get stung by one.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:08 pm 
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A pointless history lesson for you youngsters:

In 1969, STP became well-known for their commercials, touting themselves as being the racer's edge and showing Andy Granatelli kissing Mario Andretti in victory lane at Indy. Mario's car had the STP logo on the nose.

One year later, a challenger appeared: Stud. Stud was sponsored by Union Carbide, and they put on a massive advertising campaign and it was called, "Stud instead."

Both STP and Stud passed out thousands of free decals for their worthless products. The Stud sticker was a horse-man running and it looked demonic, so much that my sixth grade teacher ripped them off of students' book covers one day in 1971. It was that offensive to the old gal. I had both decals in my cigar box full of stickers.

Neither additive turned out to be worth a damn and both are forgotten these days. STP sponsored racing cars and Stud didn't. I guess this enabled STP to be known longer.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 2:44 pm 
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I had a shitload of STP stickers when I was a kid. Proud sponsor of Petty Racin'!

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 15, 2016 9:38 pm 
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The ESPYs were this week. I really hate those sonsofbitches. But one good thing happened because of them: Nadia Comaneci's attendance was posted on Twitter. She brought her amazing bolt-ons as well. *Eases pants down*

In smaller counties, they post indictments and court depositions in the local paper. Today I found four former students who were convicted of various crimes. All were useless turds in school. Only one went to the pen, a girl who didn't complete her probation for credit card abuse. One guy was a total prick in class, the kind of shithead who'd make your day when he was absent. He got probation for meth, disappointing me because he gets more chances.

I have this thing about occasionally changing around my furniture setup in the living area of the house. Before I was married, I did it regularly. Once I was married, I never did it. Now divorced, I do it again. Sounds like a few other things. Having money. Freedom. Grex.

I saw a funny Pokemon Go argument on Twitter yesterday. A law agency posted a warning about wandering around at night around houses and alleys looking for that stuff. This drew all sorts of wrath from those who disagreed with them.

We will never be able to disagree with someone in a civil manner on the Internet, and I really hate that.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Jul 24, 2016 1:23 am 
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Ooooooooooooooooooooh, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me, lick me.

My friends often criticize me for working too hard, and I tell them they are wrong. Tonight I sat up waiting for an event to happen on a server that crashes an app during the night, just to prove to a vendor that at 12:56 am, they were fucking things up.

The Rangers are really hard to figure out.

I really think that kids were meaner in the old days. I had a classmate in junior high with bucked teeth who used to pick his nose in class. A couple of other kids would spend the day blowing paper boogers out of their noses, all while folding their lips behind their teeth to imitate his appearance. At the end of the day, there would be paper boogers all over the floor. I hate myself for laughing at this, but it was really funny to witness.

I met up with the booger picker at my 25th class reunion. He had been in the pen for kidnapping a girl and had really bad meth teeth. But he had gotten his life in order, was a successful electrician, and talking to him was the highlight of the reunion and made me glad that I went. I wonder what effect that tormenting the poor guy had on him.

The dog eating the napkin thing was never funny.

I cooked an entire breakfast on the grill today using a grill mat. Bacon, eggs, cheese, tomatoes, and onions. It was awesome. If I had used Spam, it would have been the perfect country and western breakfast.

I used to work with a guy who often used the term, "inarticulate motherfuckers."


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2016 10:58 pm 
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Inarticulate motherfuckers.

Went to Fry's Electronics in Irving today. Things are not going well for them, and the sad Norm violin music was playing in my head while I looked at the horrible displays. That place will do well to make it to Christmas. I really hate this because I've always loved their stores.

Trading for Chris Sale will not get the Rangers to the World Series and maybe not even to the playoffs.

This week, I rescued a peer at a neighboring school who had followed bad instructions that she'd found on Google and made a mess of things on her network. It was so bad that nobody else would help the poor gal. Being a dumbass myself, I had to reach out and help another dumbass. Dumbass.

Angie Stevens looks really tanned in her most recent Grand Prairie Ford commercial. She also looks like she has gained a few pounds. Doesn't matter. I would love that little body of hers with my little, uh, body. Boinggggggg.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 10:12 am 
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There was a shop called Incredible Universe when I first arrived here, I loved that place. They were better than Frys. I walk around Frys here in Plano occasionally, struggling.

Angie Stevens could sell me a car anytime.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 10:35 am 
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jim jack wrote:
Trading for Chris Sale will not get the Rangers to the World Series and maybe not even to the playoffs.


Whaaaaaaat? I'm assuming it's because they're already going to the playoffs without him? Because there is nothing they would be giving up that's going to help them this year, other than Profar. Granted, I'm not saying give up everything for him, but he's a TORP at an extremely team friendly salary through 2019. I would pay a lot. Gallo has huge holes in his swing (though I get the upside also) and Profar is blocked past this year. Darvish/Hamels/Sale makes me horny and yes, I disagree with Mike Rhyner completely on Darvish. But this isn't my blog.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 10:43 am 
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His brain was Fry'd when he wrote that.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2016 6:59 pm 
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I'm not backing down from that crazyass old man statement. Before KC came to town, they were blowing goats.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2016 10:40 pm 
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I really love sports photography but I have been really bad at it for years. Lately I've become more critical of my own work and that has actually helped things. I finally got a handle on basketball last year. A couple of weeks ago I finally started shooting decent night photos of football. Finally. After 20 years, a light bulb finally came on in my brain.

I have a messed-up knee that is fucking my life up six ways to Sunday. My doctor says it's scrambled enough that he can't figure out if I need it to be scoped or total knee replacement. The guy has operated on several family members and I trust him, but it shouldn't be this difficult. I just know that it hurts and I'm really active and am just making it worse. A cortisone injection has helped a bunch, but I'll probably mess it up again.

The number of people offering unsolicited medical advise is staggering. Somebody suggested injecting chicken fat into it. I shit you not. One guy will not shut up about joint lube. He's pretty close to getting a size nine hiking boot up the ass. I'm not using lube before that happens, either.

My knee doctor has a receptionist that looks to be in her late forties and is unbelievably hot. Her voice has a touch of Aussie in it and it just melts me.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:18 am 
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You should get some B-12 injections for that knee and cut out gluten.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 5:43 pm 
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Trained Goucho wrote:
You should get some B-12 injections for that knee and cut out gluten.


:D


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 16, 2016 11:35 pm 
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I think this must have been scam week.

A tech guy at a school near me ran a phishing test on his staff. About a 40 percent of the teachers fell for it and entered their credentials into the fake website. When they found out they had been had, they got really pissed off at the guy. Well, he is an annoying douche.

Yesterday, a dear friend sat through a multi-level marketing presentation, then argued with me up and down that it was legit. She could not understand why I objected to this.

Today, my landlords fell for the scam where the gypsies had the leftover paving materials and wanted to sell it at a cheap price. It's one of the oldest gags in the book and I can't believe they believed it.

I guess tomorrow I'll encounter the crappy pickup selling meat out of a deep freeze that isn't plugged in to anything.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 2:27 pm 
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Anybody else have a bunch of housewife Facebook friends trying to force you to buy jewelry or nailpolish for your wife? Some cheap ass shit all the time?


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 3:37 pm 
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Sensy


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 19, 2016 11:36 pm 
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Rodan + Fields skincare. A co-worker is spamming us all on Facebook with that crap. I think the world of the gal, but it's getting really old. I should have included that in my list of scams of the week.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:49 pm 
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Hello, out there. Crazyass old man coming to you live.

Is 1974 the worst year ever for music? "The Way We Were" was the number one song that year. The same year also crapped out Seasons in the Sun, The Night Chicago Died, Having my Baby, and Billy, Don't Be a Hero. When one of the most popular songs of the year is a remake of a 1968 song that starts off with Ooo-ga-shock-a-oog-ga-ooo-ga, it's time to find something else. That is why I started listening to KZEW.

MLK day is this week. And nobody gives a shit.

That reminds me, I often sing at work in the tune of the Peyton Manning Nationwide jingle, 'Nobody here gives a shit.' When dumbass teachers come at me with stupid stuff, the Hoob version of the jingle plays in my head.

On Sunday night, I saw a weatherman on channel 5 actually downplay the severity of the tornado that was in the area. He turned out to be right. I wonder if he got fired today. I wonder what Rebecca Miller is doing these days.

It's been exactly a month since my last ramblings. I'll do better, I promise.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:02 pm 
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:soppy:

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:18 pm 
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I will neither confirm nor deny that I appeared in a tv segment with Rebecca Miller as part of my monkey wrangling duties back in the early '00s.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 17, 2017 9:54 pm 
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bigboy wrote:
I will neither confirm nor deny that I appeared in a tv segment with Rebecca Miller as part of my monkey wrangling duties back in the early '00s.


:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:05 am 
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It has been ten years since I went with the Mister Freeze/Uncle Fester hairstyle look. It has been quite successful and I have been surprised by the results. Most of the people at Hoob ISD don't know me any other way.

I went to my 30th class reunion with that look and they were surprised by it. This summer will by my 40th reunion.

I really hate fucking stupid fucking politics. I stopped following a couple of sports writers today because of it. Fuckers.

Speaking of politics, I photographed a basketball game this week where one of the referees looked and talked exactly like John Wiley Price. And the guy was hilarious. An extra bonus was JWP's partner kicking a parent out of the gym while the student section sang, "na na na na, hey hey hey, good bye." I really like chatting with officials during games in all sports. Maybe 1 out of 50 are douches, but most are just people trying to make some side money calling games.

Courtney Stodden is now 22. She likes older men. I wonder if she likes bald, older men. With small feet. Who hates fake giant boobs.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2017 9:47 pm 
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Not drinking, but this is as good as a place as any to crap out a post that nobody will see.

Over the weekend the Hoobstress and I saw a guy that I thought might be a private detective that was hired to watch her. I got onto the subject of tracking devices and how they were used to stalk and kill the drug cartel lawyer in Southlake last year.

She had never heard of such a thing. Out of curiosity, I looked one up on Amazon, then went to the reviews. I got this gem from a poor devil in Illinois:

"This little piece of technology helped me realize the horrible honest truth about my significant other. I'm almost sorry I purchased it. but in the long run i know it saved me thousands as i was about to marry a worthless lying cheating BITCH!!!!
who would have taken half of my lifes wealth, shortly there after. her name is Marcie M of champaign illinois, anyone getting serious with her should own one of these. Thank you for saving me spy tech ,,,,,you are great,,,,,,TFD of EGV Illinois"

Maybe I'll give her vehicle a close look the next time we, uh, meet.

Hoob.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:54 am 
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jim jack wrote:
Not drinking, but this is as good as a place as any to crap out a post that nobody will see.

Over the weekend the Hoobstress and I saw a guy that I thought might be a private detective that was hired to watch her. I got onto the subject of tracking devices and how they were used to stalk and kill the drug cartel lawyer in Southlake last year.

She had never heard of such a thing. Out of curiosity, I looked one up on Amazon, then went to the reviews. I got this gem from a poor devil in Illinois:

"This little piece of technology helped me realize the horrible honest truth about my significant other. I'm almost sorry I purchased it. but in the long run i know it saved me thousands as i was about to marry a worthless lying cheating BITCH!!!!
who would have taken half of my lifes wealth, shortly there after. her name is Marcie M of champaign illinois, anyone getting serious with her should own one of these. Thank you for saving me spy tech ,,,,,you are great,,,,,,TFD of EGV Illinois"

Maybe I'll give her vehicle a close look the next time we, uh, meet.

Hoob.


Why would people be following your gal, Hoob? What kinda underground racket are you running out in the boondocks?

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 1:16 pm 
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I was having lunch with my computer guy today. He is asian. I said the sentence, 'The media is slanted'. I felt bad


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:06 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:49 pm 
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Good morning shoppers and welcome to K-mart.

It has been 281 days since I last drank. I really can't explain why I stopped. I don't mind at all if others drink, but I'm just not interested in it. I've had one beer sitting in my fridge this entire time. I will say that physically, I feel much better.

My landlords commonly walk around with drinks in their hand. They are my age. I wonder if they will outlive me.

My current girlfriend and I argue a lot more than my wife and I ever did. In fact, we aren't speaking now. It was a peaceful weekend and I really enjoyed it.

Still haven't had anything done to my knee. It is way better than it was a year ago, but it obviously needs to be fixed. Back when it was really hurting, I tried to imagine myself running. Strangely, I couldn't do it. Even in my imagination, I limped. It is odd that mountain biking doesn't hurt it and I rarely feel any pain even when I strain going up a hill.

Up until this fall, I allowed new employees to pick their own passwords, but I got tired of them forgetting what they picked. These days, I give them a password and make them use it. I get funny looks when I give them a postit note with "penisland" as their new password.


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:28 am 
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jim jack wrote:
My current girlfriend and I argue a lot more than my wife and I ever did.


Life's too short for that shit.

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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:46 am 
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Sweet Greggo wrote:
jim jack wrote:
My current girlfriend and I argue a lot more than my wife and I ever did.


Life's too short for that shit.


Also too short for 281 days without drinking. :???: :shock: :eek: :boggle:


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 Post subject: Re: Hoob's drunken ramblings. By Hoob.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:49 am 
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or somesuch wrote:
Sweet Greggo wrote:
jim jack wrote:
My current girlfriend and I argue a lot more than my wife and I ever did.


Life's too short for that shit.


Also too short for 281 days without drinking. :???: :shock: :eek: :boggle:


:beer: :babyarm:

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