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 Post subject: Puke talk
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:26 pm 
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This is a place to share your best/worst/most memorable puke story.

Saturday we made some carnitas in the slow cooker and something didn't agree with me. I don't know what I did to deserve it but the wife was spared from the hell I suffered. I didn't feel great that night and was kind of out of it all day Sunday. Just a little twinge in my stomach, almost like a stretched muscle, that's all. But my puker's intuition told me to go ahead and genuflect before the throne and not a moment too soon. It was violent, like a spasmatic fire hose. I hadn't really eaten all day, so it was pure liquid. No heft to it at all. Not that any one enjoys puking, but it was not fun. That uncontrollable feeling, when you can't stop and you can't breathe is possibly the most terrifying feeling I ever have to experience. And it can never be quiet. Have you ever known someone who has to over-dramatize a sneeze or even a yawn? Well, I can't help it when hurling. There's a lead up that comes from the diaphragm before the fireworks. Then the sounds try to make their ways through the burst dam that is my esophagus. It's kind of a "huuu-WLECH-K-LEK-KCHHHHHH" sort of thing. It trails off a bit as my stomach tries to wring every last drop out of that sponge. That may be the worst part. You stomach keeps convulsing even though nothing is coming up. And you can't stop it. I start to wonder if it will ever stop. And as one convulsion ends, I know there's another on deck. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. But then I start feeling the light at the end of the tunnel. My fat ass sits on the cold bathroom floor as tears stream down my face. Not out of pain, but I guess just because my tear ducts wanted in on the party. My throat burns from the bile and the raspy guttural noises I was making. It takes a minute to catch my breath as the wife brings me a wet washcloth. I pounded some Listerine and headed for bed.

When it's this kind of puking, the kind that results from consuming something bad instead of from a virus of other illness, I sometimes want to puke. It gets whatever is in your system out of it and you can move on. That's what I thought when I laid down. About an hour and a half later, I burst into the bathroom and only made it as far as the sink this time. This time my wife was forced to clean up the entire bathroom counter as a good 30% of it this time didn't make it down the drain. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I have not puked today, thankfully.

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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Mon Apr 07, 2014 9:42 pm 
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I have a dozen of these. Here's one.

I had a virus one day. At about 11:40, I was walking down to take a leak, and realized that I was about to upchuck, Chuck. Did so in the male teacher's restroom. Adjacent to that room was the womens' restroom and the employee breakroom.

Being 11:40, first lunch was underway.

The violence of Mister Hoob throwing up was clearly heard by those eating their fish sticks in the breakroom. The school secretary told me that everybody in there slowly put their forks down simulaneously and did not take another bite. They didn't know who it was, other than it was a male.

-----------------------------

Epilogue: Soon, a substitute was found for Mister Hoob, and I took off for home. Unfortunately, I had to pull over on the busiest street in town and throw up again in broad daylight, whilest dozens of cars whizzed by.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:01 pm 
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The worst time for me was when I had my wisdom teeth out about 15 years ago on spring break. Apparently I have some hard to pull teeth because my face was all swole up and I was in a lot of pain. I was popping Percocet like crazy and not eating a single thing. I did try to stay hydrated so I had downed a bottle of red Gatorade. The urge hit me while laying on the couch being miserable. I couldn't quite make it to the bathroom though and I ended up projectile vomiting red Gatorade all over my little brother who was sitting in a chair near the bathroom door. It makes me smile now but nobody was very happy about it at the time.

I've puked plenty of times due to boozing but I don't think I have ever vomited from being sick or food poisoning. I may have when I was a little kid but I don't remember anything specific.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:23 pm 
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fruitdog wrote:
I've puked plenty of times due to boozing but I don't think I have ever vomited from being sick or food poisoning. I may have when I was a little kid but I don't remember anything specific.


Exactly the same here. More recently than I'd like to admit on the "due to boozing" part.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 12:24 pm 
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Sometimes it's just a good idea to puke after too much to drink.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 2:09 pm 
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I may have had the food poisoning puke more times than the drunk puke. The worst ever gets credited to Saltgrass steakhouse and involved not only puking but diarrhea. I was already on the commode purging my flaccid, watery butt children when the sickness was ready to come out of the top end. I had a choice: Turn around and place my face uncomfortably close to the expelled evil floating in random patterns in the bowl and risk facial splashback when my geyser of hot bile and Grade-F horsemeat part the brown sea, or grab the tasteful wicker waste basket nearby and puke into that. Figuring there was no shortage of Pier 1s in the world and they're still open at this hour, I opted for plan B. Despite the disapproval of Mrs Tit for ruining her attempt at gentrifying our shithouse, I still think I made the right choice.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 2:51 pm 
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I've been faced with the simultaneous puking/shitting situation as well. The worst is being mid-heave and realizing that your rectum is about blast like a fire hose as well.

My worst recent puking moment was on MLK day this year and it was a combo of medication and food (or lack thereof). I had been taking a strong antibiotic for an eye infection for a couple of weeks and the doctor reminded me (multiple times) during my office visit to always take it immediately before or after eating. I had a made a good habit of taking it right after dinner every night. On the day in question, I slept in that morning and, as I got ready for a late afternoon lunch, I took one of the antibiotic pills instead of my daily allergy meds that I regulary take. I immediately realized the mistake, but I thought, "eh, we're going to eat. I'll be alright."

On the drive to the restaurant, I started getting a pretty sharp stomach cramp and by the time we were seated a case of the cold puke-sweats had broken out. I ordered a soft drink thinking that would settle my stomach and I dove into a salad and bread thinking food would ease the pain caused by the meds. After a few minutes, I had all I could take and decided to head to the restroom to at least splash some cold water on my face. On the way I realized I was going to puke and soon, so I broke into a jog. I walked through the door and proceeded to puke in the first sink at the counter. I heaved 3 times total and the sink was 3/4 full of a disgusting soup of Dr. Pepper and iceberg lettuce. I debated leaving the mess, but I decided to reach into the filth and unclog the drain. I did what I could to clean up the remaining solid remnants with a paper towel. I think I had about 3 bites of my lunch and boxed the rest up for later. Lesson: don't take antibiotics without food.

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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:08 pm 
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You're still sticking with the "I'm ignoring you" story?

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"She could sell you a house then give you the dripping cock hole after you pummeled her in the fart box and that pile of Arby's meat that she calls a pussy." - DK, 2004


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:24 pm 
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Location: these things are good....
The tough guy bravado injected into drinking stuff and vomit talk reminds me of when Sly Stallone referred to that tough guy Luke as "puke" in Rhinestone. Luke, played by the classically trained actor Ritch Berkley got pissed and ended up getting a knuckle sammich from sly and dolly. That Dolly Parton had some big jugs. I like when Stallone sang the song "Budweiser you created a monster and they call me Drinkenstein". Then that old dude is all like "that was scary, son."
I've puked tons of times too.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2014 4:43 pm 
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I puked at a Kid Rock concert. I blame the second hand smoke

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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2014 10:46 am 
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My 40th birthday was celebrated at a Halloween party. I was paited green and dressed like the Hulk.

I drank a shit load of tequila and ate some party food. It wasnt even midnight, and I was done. I was taken home, thrown in the shower to get some of the green paint off of me (which I failed to do) and left to pass out.

Moments later, I was stumbling around my bedroom, in underwear and green paint, and couldnt figure out how to get to the bathroom. I puked on a chair and the carpet, then looked up to see my kids crying, and them asking what was wrong with me. I told them it was something I ate, then finished up in the toilet.


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 Post subject: Re: Puke talk
PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2014 9:43 pm 
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Location: these things are good....
Gross hotel story: tonight, and yes, I am in a hotel room, I was enjoying a delicious apple with heaps of almond butter on it. Do you like almond butter? I love almond butter; however, almond butter is messy. I got some on my pants. I also got some on my hands. When I finished I went to wash up at the bathroom sink as I like having clean hands before rubbing one out. The sink was incredibly powerful. I noticed that right off. I also noticed the water wasn't draining. The stopper was down. It is the kind of stopper with a knob on it so I twisted it and raised the stopper to release the water. When I did all these reddish pink vomit type particles belched up from the pipe and into the sink. It looked kind of like watermelon. I thought about calling down but I've got my stuff strewn all out and I don't give enough of a shit to complain anywhere but here.

I threw up once in a pedestal sink at our first house in Dallas after getting slammed at a supersuckers concert. It was clogged like a mug for a day and vomit would seep up frequently just when you thought all was clear. I drano'd the shit out of it and it eventually passed. It was a 1 bathroom house. Boy, was the wife pissed about those shenanigans.

A couple years ago I was showering at a Holiday Inn Express and looked up and saw a wet wash cloth that wasn't mine hanging over the shower rod that the maids forgot to get. That really bummed me out. This vomit sink takes the cake tho.


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