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| Cap's joke of the day http://removerowdy.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3594 |
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| Author: | rowdyhatinwalt [ Fri Mar 28, 2014 12:36 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
was that joke told before or after lighting the cross? |
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| Author: | rowdyhatinwalt [ Fri Mar 28, 2014 12:44 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
ah, the ninja refuses to answer. |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Thu Jun 05, 2014 6:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Husband Store: A store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love children. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more,' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love children, and are extremely good looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love children, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Thu Jun 12, 2014 8:47 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight." |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Thu Jun 12, 2014 8:48 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Sat Aug 16, 2014 4:12 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Adapted from Ty Walker Chicken's Twitter account: Bob: Did you ever hear of the movie, "Constipation?" Bill: Nope. Bob: That's because it hasn't come out yet. |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Thu Oct 23, 2014 5:32 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:39 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Are these all quotes from Emo? |
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| Author: | cap [ Fri Oct 24, 2014 9:43 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
tickle me |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Fri Dec 05, 2014 8:00 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Fri Jan 02, 2015 5:22 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Q: What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? A: Firetruck |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Sun Jan 04, 2015 8:17 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A: Fuck a duck |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Sun Jan 04, 2015 11:00 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Sweet Greggo wrote: A: Fuck a duck 
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Mon Mar 09, 2015 12:00 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
q: what do spinach and anal sex have in common? a: if you were forced to have it as a kid you'll hate it as an adult |
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| Author: | fruitdog [ Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I hated spinach as a kid. I still hate cooked spinach but I thoroughly enjoy a nice spinach salad. |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Mon Mar 09, 2015 3:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I loved spinach as a kid and still do. I had spinach on a pizza over the weekend. I also throw spinach into most Italian dishes I make when the tomatoes are more chunky. I don't put it in my regular Sunday sauce though, but maybe I should try it. |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:07 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
How do you feel about anal sex? I like spinach too. I even put it in my breakfast smoothies. |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Mon Mar 09, 2015 4:45 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I'm fine with it as long as it isn't too rough. Oddly, my safe word is "spinach". |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:56 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I loved canned spinach as a kid and still do. Gotta have that pepper sauce on it though. Nowadays I eat mostly fresh spinach. I use it in salads, wraps, pizza and ramen. |
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| Author: | fruitdog [ Fri Mar 20, 2015 11:02 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
canned or frozen spinach is my kryptonite VOMIT! |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Fri Mar 20, 2015 1:05 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
My mom used to make that frozen block of Bird's Eye spinach. I liked it. I put vinegar on it. I use the real stuff now, but I don't put vinegar on it. |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Fri Mar 20, 2015 1:11 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
If you love it so much you should put a ring on it. |
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| Author: | fruitdog [ Fri Mar 20, 2015 3:07 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Thu Apr 09, 2015 6:08 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles herbreasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts, "I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!!" |
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| Author: | or somesuch [ Thu Apr 16, 2015 3:16 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop. The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read: “Panda: a bear-like marsupial originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves." |
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| Author: | cap [ Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:19 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
An old neighborly lady was at the pharmacy in a CVS She asked the pharmacist 'May I ask you a personal question?" Pharmacist said 'you sure may' The old lady said 'do you take viagra?' the pharmacist said 'i sure do' she asked 'can you get it over the counter?' he said 'If i take two' 
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| Author: | jim jack [ Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:41 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
cap wrote: An old neighborly lady was at the pharmacy in a CVS She asked the pharmacist 'May I ask you a personal question?" Pharmacist said 'you sure may' The old lady said 'do you take viagra?' the pharmacist said 'i sure do' she asked 'can you get it over the counter?' he said 'If i take two'
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| Author: | cap [ Fri Jun 05, 2015 1:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Why should you never play Uno with a Mexican? Because they steal all the Green Cards... |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Fri Jun 05, 2015 9:59 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
After Chi Chi Gonzalez shut out the Royals tonight, this Tweet came out: Adam J. Morris @lonestarball 5m5 minutes ago "Very well, Royals, you choose death...but first, CHI CHI!!!" That is an offshoot of this old joke: Two men are on the death row in a native country. The first man is asked by the tribe leader, "Do you wish to receive death, or oogie?" The first man thinks this over, and considers since nothing is worse than death, replies, "I pick oogie." So the tribe takes the man out into town, where they gather a line of indians, bend the man over, and ass-fuck him until the whole town has gone. After "oogie," the first man is set free. Then the tribe leader asks the second man, "Now, do you wish to receive death, or oogie?" Now, the second man was homophobic, and replies, "I think I shall choose death." The tribe leader says, "Alright then, you shall receive death by hanging. But first, OOGIE!" |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Wed Jun 17, 2015 9:01 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
How do you make a plumber cry? You kill his family. |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Wed Jun 17, 2015 10:31 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I thought you were setting up a Mario joke. |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Fri May 27, 2016 8:28 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick- your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." |
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| Author: | cap [ Fri May 27, 2016 8:29 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Diello [ Sun May 29, 2016 6:49 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Knock knock. Who's there? Doorbell repairman. |
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| Author: | Spaz [ Tue May 31, 2016 8:47 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Trained Goucho wrote: A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick- your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." As of a 1992 survey 87% of transvestites and 0% of Cap are straight |
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| Author: | fart [ Tue May 31, 2016 1:18 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Evidently one of the 13% |
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| Author: | Spaz [ Wed Jun 01, 2016 1:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
fart wrote: Evidently one of the 13% Most of them are members of British comedy troupes |
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| Author: | cap [ Fri Jul 08, 2016 2:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
- I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired |
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| Author: | cap [ Mon Jul 18, 2016 1:45 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol'crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . . She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!" |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:42 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Pavlov is sitting in the bar having a drink. The phone rings and he looks up and says "I forgot to feed the dogs". |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Thu Aug 11, 2016 12:15 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A guy in a raincoat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench. He opens his raincoat, flashes the first old lady, and she has a stroke. He flashes the second old lady and she has a stroke, too. He flashes the third old lady and she says, “I’m not touching that thing”. |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Fri Aug 12, 2016 1:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband was missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear muffled sounds of someone crying downstairs. As she reached the basement she found her husband crying in the corner, balled up in the fetal position. She asked him "what's wrong with you?" He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" "Remember he said, I had a choice: I could either marry you or be sent away to prison for the next twenty years?" Baffled, she said "yes I remember." The husband bawled , "today would've been my parole date!" |
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