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| Cap's joke of the day http://removerowdy.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=3594 |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Wed Jan 11, 2017 2:05 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? Donald Trump won't pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face. |
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| Author: | Spaz [ Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I heard it with Garbanzo Bean |
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| Author: | fart [ Wed Jan 11, 2017 6:29 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
The difference between a lentil and a garbanzo bean? Not as funny |
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| Author: | Spaz [ Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:52 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
fart wrote: The difference between a lentil and a garbanzo bean? Not as funny Funnier than this post |
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| Author: | cap [ Thu Jan 12, 2017 8:58 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Spaz wrote: fart wrote: The difference between a lentil and a garbanzo bean? Not as funny Funnier than this post your post or farts? |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Thu Jan 12, 2017 9:56 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
cap wrote: Spaz wrote: fart wrote: The difference between a lentil and a garbanzo bean? Not as funny Funnier than this post your post or farts? Farts are always funny. |
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| Author: | Spaz [ Thu Jan 12, 2017 3:09 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I've seen the high bar of comedy on this forum. I'm good |
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| Author: | kick [ Thu Jan 12, 2017 5:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
sup. |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Fri Jan 13, 2017 1:46 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I think farts are good. |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Sun Jul 07, 2019 12:27 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Your Duck is Dead A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150. |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Tue Jul 23, 2019 12:39 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A guy is sitting on a plane next to a woman. He sneezes, and then pulls some tissue out of a package and wipes around inside his pants. 5 minutes go by and the same thing happens. 5 minutes later, same thing yet again. The lady asks "what are you doing?" The man replies "I have this really rare medical condition. If I sneeze, it causes me to orgasm." The lady says "are you taking something for that?" The man responds "Yes. Pepper." |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:59 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt“. At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.” “It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender. “Say what?” “You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts … they’re complimentary.“ |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Tue Sep 17, 2019 11:47 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Tue Sep 17, 2019 9:43 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Sat Apr 04, 2020 3:55 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in his bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: “Are - my - test - results - back?".. |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Sat Apr 04, 2020 6:04 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Thu Dec 03, 2020 11:36 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars. • A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly. • A bar was walked into by the passive voice. • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening. • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.” • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite. • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything. • A question mark walks into a bar? • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type." • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud. • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves. • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart. • A synonym strolls into a tavern. • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack. • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment. • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor. • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered. • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel. • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known. • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph. • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense. • A dyslexic walks into a bra. • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines. • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert. • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget. • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony. |
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| Author: | cap [ Thu Dec 03, 2020 12:02 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
How do you know a redneck is on her period? She's missing a sock. |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Thu Dec 03, 2020 2:20 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Why is the Trump White House suddenly a very polite place to work? Everyone's walking around saying "pardon me." |
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| Author: | bigboy [ Thu Dec 03, 2020 5:50 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Tit Whistle [ Thu Dec 03, 2020 5:57 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | or somesuch [ Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:34 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I liked it, Craig. |
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| Author: | Sweet Greggo [ Fri Dec 04, 2020 8:54 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | bigboy [ Tue Dec 08, 2020 2:24 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
I liked it too, Cregory. I just wanted to kick you in the nuts. I'm also depressed that I couldn't find the original cow/sidecar photo anywhere other than Pinterest. |
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| Author: | cap [ Tue Dec 29, 2020 2:35 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Every year, around this time of the year, I hear about all these urine sales. Why? |
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| Author: | jim jack [ Wed Dec 30, 2020 10:49 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
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| Author: | Trained Goucho [ Sun May 02, 2021 7:26 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Galveston Beach and was stopped by a game warden. The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this beach and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." "That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" "No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the ocean. "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" |
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| Author: | cap [ Thu May 27, 2021 8:54 am ] |
| Post subject: | Re: Cap's joke of the day |
Why doesn’t Santa let the elves use his computer? They always delete the Christmas cookies. |
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