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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 10:00 pm 
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all caps, huh?


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 7:25 am 
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We're angry and we're not going to take it anymore!

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 8:30 am 
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Hold the line!


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2011 10:49 am 
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Block that kick!

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:54 pm 
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Location: these things are good....
Some of these are pretty good in a cap joke kinda way


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:21 pm 
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POW!

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2011 8:44 am 
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Image

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2012 9:46 am 
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The Mexican Maid

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."


"The first is that I iron better than you."



Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"


Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"



Maria: "Jor hozband did

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."



Wife, really boiling now and through gritted
teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora ....... The gardener did."

Wife : How much do you want?

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 10:57 am 
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A woman goes to the doctor because she had been stung by a bee while golfing.

The doctor asks her "Where did you get stung?"

The woman answers, "Between the first and second hole."

Doctor replies, "I think your stance is too wide."


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 11:04 am 
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That's funny because I'm golfing today with a hot sales chick.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 1:28 pm 
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cap wrote:
That's funny because I'm golfing today with a hot sales chick.


That chick in a kilt playing the bagpipes? I wouldn't call her hot.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:45 pm 
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna throw up."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:37 am 
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Giggle.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2012 8:19 am 
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WHat do you ask a woman with two black eyes?



You don't, you already asked it twice.,

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:25 pm 
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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:37 am 
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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I’ll grant you any wish.”

The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me weeny a bit larger?”

“Wish granted.” says the leprechaun, as he skips away.

Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin’ below his shorts.

He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin’ along behind him.

By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.

He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it, to see the leprechaun agian, you must go back and make another ace.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again the leprechaun jumped out saying, “I’ll grant you any wish.”

The player asked, “Could ya make me legs a bit longer?”


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 10:06 pm 
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my jokes aren't racists.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:29 pm 
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How do you fit three gays on a bar stool? Turn it upside down.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:30 pm 
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How do you help a gay go on vacation? Pack his shit.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 6:32 pm 
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What's the difference between a gay and a refrigerator ? A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:38 am 
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A Man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The Undertaker told the husband, “you can have her buried here in the holy land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000". The Husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The Undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150???” The Husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 7:53 am 
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Cledus wrote:
A Man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The Undertaker told the husband, “you can have her buried here in the holy land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000". The Husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The Undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150???” The Husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”

My pastor opened the with the same joke before his sermon yesterday.



jkjkjkjkjk

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 1:53 pm 
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Is that true?

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2013 2:03 pm 
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^^sofa king stupid^^


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:37 am 
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"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket".

"I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yogurt".

"It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yogurt".


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 10:45 am 
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TerdFerguson wrote:
"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket".

"I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yogurt".

"It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yogurt".


:D


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 2:53 pm 
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:goldstar: :goldstar: :goldstar:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2013 11:54 am 
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Location: Texas
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found
Over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there
Was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird
Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to
everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying
Colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By
Analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the
Crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were
Killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if
There was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck
Kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause:
when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a
Nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that
While all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one
Could shout "Truck."

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 06, 2013 10:32 am 
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When I first read it I thought it said cows and I couldn't understand why a bird person was being called in.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2013 7:48 pm 
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Jokes.

:dad:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:20 am 
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I've reached the point where a lot of those were lol.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:21 am 
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Especially the duck.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:32 am 
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bookmarked. I've got a couple of kids I can throw those at.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 9:57 am 
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They forgot one I never get tired of and drag out whenever I can.

Whenever someone can't find a shoe that matches their desired pair, we usually have an exchange like this:

"I can't find a shoe."

"You can't find a what?"

"A shoe."

"Gesundheit!"


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 1:29 pm 
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We always had big Sunday dunches when I was a kid complete with a plate of dinner rolls. My dad would always look at one of us, give the tongs he was holding a click click and say "wanna roll?" We'd be like "yes, please" and then he'd go "get on the floor." Killed him every time.

He still does that even with meals with no dinner rolls.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 2:13 pm 
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Your dad sounds pretty awesome.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2013 2:40 pm 
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I had a coach in high school that was quite the dad joke expert. I was in a class next door to his (with a good looking female teacher) and he came in mid lesson and started opening and closing the drawers on her desk repeatedly. She asked what he was doing and he said, "I've known you a long time and I've always wanted to check out what was in your drawers."

Sex and dad joke all in one. That shit would get him fired now days.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Nov 27, 2013 2:42 pm 
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More :dad:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 1:44 pm 
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I went to the doctor the other day for my physical.

The doctor said, "You've GOT to stop masturbating"

I said, "What? Why??"

He said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:04 pm 
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:D


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:54 pm 
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@RealGilbert: What African activist was able to blow up a rubber glove on his head? Howie Mandela. #RIPNelsonMandela

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 9:39 am 
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Joe received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Joe. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Joe, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in that said:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi",not "wife".


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