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 Post subject: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:28 am 
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Location: at yo mamma's
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says, 'Hello!' He's rather taken a back because he can't place
where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she
replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' He thinks back
to the one and only time that he had been unfaithful to his wife and
says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue May 06, 2008 4:39 pm 
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Q: What sound does a baby make in a microwave?

A: I don't know. I was too busy jacking off.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:30 pm 
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Donkey Balls and Cap should go head to head.

Here you go....make us laugh.

Image


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:46 pm 
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04ZYvZ1Qs5c

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:11 pm 
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:throwstomatoes:


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:39 pm 
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A child molester and a kid go into the woods.

The kid says "It's getting dark..... I'm scared"

The child molester says "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 6:43 am 
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don keyballs wrote:
A child molester and a kid go into the woods.

The kid says "It's getting dark..... I'm scared"

The child molester says "You think you're scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

This one wins the Titwhistle Darkness award.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 9:43 pm 
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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us!'

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week too?' The little girl replied, 'I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock!ʼ

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Jul 30, 2008 10:43 pm 
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oh dear

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:32 pm 
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully
controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1
liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, Whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go
through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, .........Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
water and be full of sh!t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm
doing it as a public service

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:01 pm 
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:sheepdance:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:27 pm 
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Ceepe drank a lot of wine, and we all know what happened there.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:19 am 
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A woman meets a man in a bar.  



They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

 



They get back to his place,

 



and as he shows her around his
apartment.

 
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

 


completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

 


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

 

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

 

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

 

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

 

and she was immediately touched

 

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

 


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

 


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

 
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

 

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

 

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

 

but doesn't mention this to him.

 
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

 

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

 

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

 

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

 
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

 


He responds warmly.

 

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
 
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

 

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

 
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

 
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

 
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

 
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

 
'Well, how was it?'

 
The guy gently smiles at her,

 

strokes her cheek,

 
looks deeply into her eyes,

 
and says:
 
 

'Help yourself to any prize

 
from the middle shelf'

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:32 am 
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That's one of your better ones.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:02 am 
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-10 for typesetting, but overall funny.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 9:42 am 
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or somesuch wrote:
That's one of your better ones.

thanks somey. the idea for the joke came from a visit to the carnival last weekend.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:16 am 
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Did your wife get into a fight with the gypsies?


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 5:09 pm 
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support,
stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu
hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many
different models."

The old lady then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd
aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by
bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

She asks: "Ddddooo oooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 10:49 am 
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my e
quipment, I just had
to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Sep 02, 2008 7:18 pm 
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 11:49 am 
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Diello wrote:
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo' drizzle.

fail

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 12:12 pm 
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fat fight! fat fight!

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:42 pm 
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Sweet Greggo wrote:
fat fight! fat fight!


if you wanna see a real fat fight... throw a twinkie in an octagon...

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 3:44 pm 
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Pantallideth wrote:
Sweet Greggo wrote:
fat fight! fat fight!


if you wanna see a real fat fight... throw a twinkie in an octagon...

:roll: no fat will climb into an octagon


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:17 pm 
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Image he would.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:19 pm 
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vbear wrote:
Image he would.

good point! tho i don't think he got in for a twinkie


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:22 pm 
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looks like a case of twinkies.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 9:50 pm 
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Think his right ball hangs lower than the left? Much like his boobies? Er maybe its the opposite to keep him steady.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 5:59 am 
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vbear wrote:
Image he would.

:sloppy:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 9:33 pm 
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TerdFerguson wrote:
Did your wife get into a fight with the gypsies?

That's funny HAW HAW HAWWWWWW!


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 7:47 pm 
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Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principals office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...???

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 7:55 pm 
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Is the punchline in your next post?

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 8:35 pm 
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your mom is

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Sat Feb 05, 2011 9:47 pm 
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Sweet Greggo wrote:
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principals office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principals office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...???


You made grumby Hoob laugh.


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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Mar 10, 2011 2:57 pm 
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A Somali arrives in New York as a new immigrant to America ...
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !'
The person says, 'I not American, I am Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says ..... 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not American !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a American ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the American's ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says .....'Probably at work.'

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:26 am 
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Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD GUYS

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 12:31 pm 
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A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face? " There were a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy named Ed tentatively raised his hand with his head still looking down but nodding to his left said, "My wife here got a pretty good look at you."

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:46 pm 
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A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes To bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea.. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2011 7:47 pm 
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What's the best part about marrying a panda bear? No one notices the black eyes.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2011 12:44 pm 
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Posts: 3036
Location: Texas
cap wrote:
I was sitting at the traffic light yesterday next to a car load of Mexicans when a big semi-tractor trailer drove right over the top of their car.......Flattened it!



"Wow!" I thought, "That could've been me"







So I went out and got a C.D.L.



:eek:

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 4:40 pm 
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I'm a tool.
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Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:20 pm
Posts: 12697
Location: at yo mamma's
Texas


May 15th
Dear Diary, I just moved to Texas ! Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? A t least, it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the A C repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wise ass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . .. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus' are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? "Hot enough for you today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Texas . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

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 Post subject: Re: Cap's joke of the day
PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2011 11:20 am 
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Joined: Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:20 pm
Posts: 12697
Location: at yo mamma's
THE GOVERNMENT TODAY ANNOUNCED THAT IT'S CHANGING THE FLAG TO A CONDOM, BECAUSE IT MORE ACCURATELY REFLECTS THE GOVERNMENT'S POLITICAL STANCE. A CONDOM ALLOWS FOR INFLATION, HALTS PRODUCTION, DESTROYS THE NEXT GENERATION, PROTECTS A BUNCH OF DICKS, & GIVES YOU A SENSE OF SECURITY WHILE UR ACTUALLY BEING SCREWED.

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